Super snacks!

I eat a lot of nuts. Get your mind out of the gutter. They are great! They have protein, the "tree" nuts have the good omega fats, they're packed with fiber, and are tasty to boot. You have to be a little careful because they are packed with calories too, but a serving size is usually a 1/4 cup. That's more than you think when you are grabbing a handful on the go. For me a 1/4 cup is actually 2 handfuls. So, in the afternoon or mid morning, great snack! These Sahale snacks pictured below are my new addiction. They come in many crazy flavor combinations that make my taste buds jump for joy. My absolute favorite is the Soledad Almonds with apple, flax seeds, balsamic vinegar, and red pepper flakes. My mouth is watering. They have free shipping and neat box bundles that let you try out several flavors. These guys have no idea I'm their biggest fan... I feel like they are worth sharing! Their website is sahalesnacks.com. Go check 'em out, like 'em on Facebook, you know, do the thing.

Motivation... Or lack there of.

I lost my motivation last night. I didn't do my Insanity. Now I feel like a total a-hole. I just can't decide if its this lingering flu or what my deal is, but something got the better of me last night. My plan is to get back at it tonight, right, wrong, or indifferent. This week for me is busy and a bit of a cluster. The one thing that I have found about these programs is that they aren't conducive to anything outside of "routine". Or at least not outside of my routine. I have my days scheduled out to the max and if I try to add something it seems like the exercise is the first thing to go... I can make it up on the weekend, right? Except I don't think that is the point. Is it ok to take an extra day off? Do I feel guilty for no reason or should I be beating myself up until I get ripped? How do you deal with flu/colds and working out? Do I just get myself all the way better and then resume, or suck it up and roll on? I have a trip planned this weekend and I'm sure that will end up in another missed workout, but I'm going to try and not have that happen. I know I am not the only one out there that has life (work, responsibilities, etc.) to deal with. How do the rest of you make time or keep your priorities in line so that your exercise program doesn't get put on the back burner? This is all the crazy questions that run through my head, be nice to hear some answers sometimes...

Insanity check in Week 1

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive. Not only did I survived my first week of Insanity but I survived round 2 of the flu. Still shaking the last of the flu, but not curled up in the fetal position wanting to die anymore. So, you know, bonus all around. Here is what I can tell you about Insanity so far. It's hard. Not a little hard, a lot. It's short in comparison to other workouts I've done. As in no more than 40 minutes. If you aren't gushing sweat by the end of the first 3-5 minutes then you aren't trying. My lungs where en fuego (ON FIRE). I missed one workout due to my illness, and believe me, you would have too. At the conclusion if Week One, I can barely lower myself to the toilet my legs are so sore, I can raise my arms but they immediately fall down and involuntarily hit me in the head, and I'm feeling muscles in my back I didn't know I had. So, this could potentially be a game changer. Shaun T, the instructor is encouraging, keeps things rolling, and makes sure you don't hurt yourself. He even has people in the video take breaks if they are spent. These people have been through Insanity and it's still too hard for them. Whoa. Just sayin. He keeps saying he's not trying to break me, just make me better. I sure want to believe him. There are no weights or bands in this workout, the only tool you have is you, hard not to confront your physical demons when that is all you are working against. All in all I would say the end of week one is good report and hopefully not being as sick I can push a little harder this week.

Results for Week One:
Weight: 184.0 (down 3.8lbs)
Other measurements... Not til the end!
Motivation: Still good, still want to keep going, still convinced I'm on the right track.
Strength Factor: I am basically jell-o, not even all the way set-up jell-o.

I'm that girl.

I've always prided myself on being a bit of a tom boy. The girl that doesn't mind getting dirty, hangs with the boys, likes trucks and guns and action movies. As it turns out I'm also the girl that likes to have her nails done.

I like to think I am witty. I have a smarty pants comeback to just about anything, like to tell funny stories, and enjoy a good joke. I deflect with humor. As it turns out, I'm uber sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily.

I make a big effort to be an organized person. Have my ducks in a row. Keep my house clean. Try to emit efficiency. In reality, I let my room be a total mess.

I believe I can lose weight and get fit by just making some lifestyle changes. Eating right, working out, etc. I don't have to obsess about it or let it consume me. Truth is, I'm the girl that enters every calorie she consumes into an app on her phone so I don't go over my RDI, so I can see my fat, carb, protein ratio, so I can obsess. But, I think it's actually helping, it's keeping me honest about what I'm eating. It tracks my exercise too and gives me my deficit or excess for the day. It's a little overkill, but I think it's a good tool to get me through these final pounds. It's a part of my efforts and my accountability. If I feel like I need a break, I just don't record that day. It happens about once every two weeks. But I still have a little running tally going in my head, so I must be getting programmed. Calorie counter??? Yep, I'm that girl.

I've been MIA.

Sorry Final Fifty readers. I've been a little quiet the last couple days. I have been inflicted with the second round of the flu that I have had in a months time. For any of you that have had it, my hat is off to you for surviving it. It's a head aching, sinus clogging, sore throat, throbbing joint kind of good time. Even my crazy, go to work, work out, ride no matter what self tapped out and forced myself to stay down yesterday. Guilt always comes with me taking care of myself, but I'm not eager to have a round three of this. Enough of me whining about my current health...

How does this relate to weight loss and fitness??? It boils down to this. While I was laying there feeling my body turn to squish from the missed workout my mind drifted to those of you that stay home more regularly than I do. For those of you that are stay at home moms/dads, work from the house, or are kept women/men that get to stay home for no apparent reason, I believe you deserve a medal. It's hard to be at home around your food all day long. Don't get me wrong, conventional work scenarios pose their own problems usually in the form of junk food, but at work I'm not walking by my fridge 37 times a day. At work if I get upset, there is no easy access to quick comfort food. At work, I don't have to feed anyone else food that I can't have. It's easier for me to keep a routine and food schedule at work. So those of you that are at home have to have a little extra will power and that is commendable. You have a whole different set if challenges. Each of our walks is a little different, and a little the same. Each hard in their own way. I just figured out that my day to day might not be as hard as some of yours. I just kinda realized that I was glad my fridge was empty and my will to get dressed and drive to the store was less than zero. Kudos to the stay at homer's, and the work in towner's, and the sickies for their fever induced delusional realizations.

I did something bad, but it's ok.

I was home from work sick yesterday. Not super sick, but between my insomnia, stressing out, and whatever else, I had a sore throat and a bad headache, something I don't usually get. There was nothing major happening at work and I never play hooky, so you know what, I did, I stayed home.

But that isn't the bad thing I'm talking about. While I was home I got out the tub. You know the one. It sits at the bottom of the pile and contains the skinny jeans. The jeans of better days, days gone by. For me it's the box of 7/8 and 5/6 jeans. If I get down to those, I'll be good, content, I hope. There were a few select pairs of "transition" jeans that I decided to try on. One pair was too big but will still work for work. One pair was too small and I knew they would be. There were two pairs of what I call real jeans, you know, before spandex blends were all the rage, when jeans just meant denim. The real jeans were size 11 and they fit. They weren't what I would call ready for public viewing by my standards, but maybe in a few weeks.

The point is I didn't have a meltdown over the tub. If anything it was motivational. I feel like I can get there. Maybe it's the workout change, or the taking measurements, or writing it out here on the blog, but I am feeling ok with where I am at fitness and diet wise and where I am headed with it. I don't know what made me turn the corner on it, but for now I am in a good place. I am trying, trying hard, and for now that is enough. One can only assume that results will follow. Now, to get the rest of life lined out. Wish I had plastic tub for that.

How I measure up.

I decided to compromise. I took my pictures last night and you are gonna have to trust me when I tell you that you don't want to see them. I am however going to give you all my measurements. This alone is a big deal. But, if I am accountable to you, maybe I can be accountable to myself as well. I measured my upper arms, chest, waist, hips, thighs, and calves all at the widest points. I'm going to divulge my weight and size as well (spoiler alert). This is more than just giving you some numbers, I'm laying it all out there. I don't think any of it came as a surprise to me, other than how far I have left to go. It seems like much farther than I have come. I did the Insanity fit test last night. They have you do that so you can check every two weeks on your progress. I was not disappointed in my jumping off place, but I did it in my sports bra and I was shocked at the security and delusion a t-shirt or tank top provides. I decided I'm not going to take my measurements again until the end. It's only two months and I think that I will be more pleased with the end results than I will with a middle of the road gut check. So, here goes nothin... Here is how I measure up...

Right Arm: 14 1/4 inches
Left Arm: 14 1/2 inches
Chest: 39 inches
Waist: 38 1/2 inches
Hips: 42 1/2 inches
Right Thigh: 25 1/2 inches
Left Thigh: 25 1/2 inches
Right Calf: 16 inches
Left Calf: 16 1/2 inches
Weight: 187.8 pounds
Jean Size: 12, comfortably
Shirt Size: L, XL depending on brand
Dress Size: Can't remember the last time I wore one or tried one on
Chance of my fat ass ever leaving the house again: Zero

There you have it. My final jumping off point for the last legs of this journey. The only other thing I can't figure out from my pictures is which is worse, extra fat/pounds, or loose skin. Sigh.

I figure I have two rounds left.

I completed a goal... I am officially done with P90X. Yeah... Handstand (pretend)... Back flip (also pretend)... Fist pump, fist pump (those are real)!!!

I am still fat. :( Sad face. But, here is the deal, I am more fit than when I started P90X, so, kudos Tony Horton, you did your job. It's not your fault I was too fat to get fully fit in 90 days. So, what now you ask?? I am going to do Insanity (another Beach Body product). It is 60 days and is supposed to be a pound shredder. We'll see. I tend to like to prove these deals wrong. Hahaha. The problem is that most of the people that are in the testimonials for these programs are not doing anything when they start. I have now completed TapOut XT and P90X back to back, I regularly hike, I ride my horses every night, what I am saying is that I'm not not active. Did that make sense?? Plus, like I talked about last week, busting through a plateau is a challenge for any fitness regime, busting through one of mine is like that commercial where the wrecking ball is a giant stuffed pink bunny trying to knock down a building... It's gonna happen, but it's gonna take awhile and a good deal of perseverance. So, onto Insanity it is. I feel like it is aptly named for my current state of being. After that my TapOut XT2 should arrive and I will be good to go. It's a 90 day program. So my goal is that by summer-ish, approx 150 days from now, ok, mid-summer, I should be at my target weight/fitness level/ideal size of pants. I don't think that is asking too much, do you??

I'm gonna do the next two rounds a little different though. I'm doing the whole embarrassing picture of me in a sports bra and shorts and measure everything. I mean everything. Arms, chest (if you know me you just thought to yourself, "what chest??"), waist, hips, thighs, and calves. I'm gonna skip my wrists and ankles, they have been through enough. And my earlobes, I'm gonna skip those too. It is easy to get part way into one of these programs and feel like nothing is happening, especially if the scale isn't dropping pounds like dead flies. So, this time I decided to have a concrete jumping off place. I think it's a good idea even if no one but me sees it. I'm undecided about what and how much I should post here, I want to stay true to my honest promise, but I don't want to mortify anyone either. I guess you will find out in the next day or two what I decide. Prepare yourselves for some depressing blog posts, I'm sure I am in for an eye opener tonight when I get busy writing all this info down. But, I still feel like it's gonna be an important part of the final process. Maybe it will be motivation or a kick in the pants, that's what I am aiming for. I need to see where I came from so I know where I am at. I should have done it waaaaay back at the beginning, but I just wasn't ready. It will be a valuable tool, I am convinced. Simple. Duh. Why didn't I think of this before?? Wish me luck, and strength, and endurance, and the ability to forgive my flab. I'm gonna need it all.

Balance... It's not just an act.

Balance between work and family.
Balance between protein, carbs, and fat.
Balance of mental stability.
Balance between what I have to do, need to do, and want to do.
Balance in half moon, prayer twist, royal dancer, tree, and other yoga poses.
Balance the bank account.
Balance on my horse.
Balance between calories consumed and calories burned.
Balance of spirituality.
Balance on my mountain.
Balance of power.
Balance on the pole.
Balance in my photos.
Balance of flavors when I'm cooking.
Balance between my hobbies (loves) and my responsibilities (work).
Balance between health, body, and life.
Balance of time.
Balance on tall heels.
We are all just seeking balance in one form or another.

Popcorn. Not just a snack.

Everyone has their thing, for many people it's chocolate, others it's fast food, or a specific menu item of fast food, some people it's cereal. It's like a gateway drug, an alcoholic just having one drink. Never gonna happen. For me, it's popcorn. I have been eating the stuff on a regular basis for as long as my memory goes back. Watching tv, not that I do much of that these days is almost painful without a bowl of popcorn. And not just any popcorn will do. For instance, movie theater popcorn is not good quality stuff, just sayin. I prefer mine air popped and seasoned just so. There is such a thing as too much salt. So, where does this come from, this deeply resonating comfort food addiction?

Here is where I think mine comes from. I was by and far raised during my pre-teen years by my grandmother who is nothing short of an amazing cook. As well as she cooks, it doesn't hold a candle to her baking. Enter the start of my love affair with food in general. She worked as a baker at two restaurants when I was a kid. So, time was an issue. She would often have to pick me up from school, drop me at the sitters and run to her next job. Whenever we did have a moment of down time together we would watch a movie (usually a John Wayne one, because I loved them, not her) with popcorn (taco flavor was my favorite, still is).  Of course my Gram spared no expense, it was real butter all the way. We even had a special popcorn bowl, a large stainless steel bowl. She still has that bowl. The air popper we had when I was a kid finally crapped out when I was in college, so we are onto a new one, I kinda miss the old one. I'm sure I ate more popcorn as a kid than was recommended on the national food pyramid, but it was ok, it was our time together. It was also a bandaid when things were rough. If I had a bad day at school, got called a fat kid again, or a bastard because I didn't have a Dad around, I'd have some popcorn when I got home. If it was really bad it was mac 'n cheese, but that's a whole other post. Gram was good at throwing food at emotion. It's what she was good at and had time for. There are worse ways to cope. To this day if I have a bad turn in life I spend a day on the couch watching John Wayne movies and, you guessed it, eating popcorn. Strange how those things from childhood stay with you, you always go back to them. When I walk into her house now I instantly want to eat, anything really, but especially popcorn.

I don't think that I will ever break my popcorn addiction. I'm not sure that I want to. It's an important part of my past, and my current. Understanding where it comes from helps me keep from giving into it constantly. Right now I have popcorn on Thursday night's when I watch my shows (Grey's Anatomy and Scandal if you were curious). It's my guilty pleasure and I'm keeping it.

P.S. My yoga pants fall off when I do jumping jacks. Kinda embarrassing and yet another reason why it's a good idea for me to workout alone.

We went out on a limb... Well, technically a pole...

Anyone who is hooked on Groupon, stand up and clutch your wallets like an old lady clutches her purse!! I love Groupons, anything that makes me feel like I am getting a deal. So, I bought this Groupon for 5, count 'em, 5, pole-dancing classes. I lovingly refer to them as stripper school. I convinced my dear, sweet, easily persuaded, current partner in crime, friend into going with me. I shall from here on out refer to her as Doug to keep her identity safe, sound, and reputation intact. It was quite the saga just to get signed up for stripper school, but finally last night we had our first class... It went a little something like this....

As I was changing my clothes in the bathroom at work, a touch of anxiety set in. Fine, no problem, to be expected anytime you set out on a new endeavour. Since Doug was meeting me at work, I had a few minutes to kill so I ran across the street to Wal*Mart to grab us a snack, you must be fortified for stripper school. Asian pears and beef jerky it is!!

Doug jumped in my car and off we went. We tried not to talk about what we were about to do because it would have just taken a little hint of "I think we should just go eat ruben's" for us to ditch this thing and go have a beer and a sandwich. We pull into the parking lot and sit there for a second watching the other women get out of their cars. Secretly and silently comparing ourselves to them, imagining all the crazy stunts they can probably do, wondering how long they have been coming, is that the instructor, should we just go? Finally, I turned off the car and said, "we are doing this at least once". It was almost convincing. Then I notice a guy standing in front of the empty office next door, he's watching all these women with a disgusting grin on his face. Gross. We marched inside to be greeted by two ladies and a laptop. I told them to be kind, we were first timers. They giggled and threw waivers at us. As I'm reading my waiver it's the typical stuff, don't sue us if you sustain an injury or die kinda BS, then I get to an interesting part... I, THE UNDERSIGNED, HEREBY UNDERSTAND THAT THERE WILL BE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL EXHAUSTION... Ummm, what the...? Are my daddy issues gonna come out at stripper school? Is there a chance of me crying by my pole? I look to Doug for reassurance, she's no longer making eye contact with me. I look out the door and spot the car and will myself to stay inside. The blond gal with the mustache at the laptop assures me everything will be fine, put your stuff in a cubby and head into the back room. Oh yeah, back room, that doesn't sound creepy at all.

So, the back room is painted a deep rich red and has ten poles hanging it, mirrors lining three walls, and a table with rags in the back and some chairs to change your shoes by the door. I instantly think 50 Shades of Grey. We are greeted by an 8ft tall red head named Emily. She is wearing a hoodie and underwear. Suddenly I'm over dressed and self conscience in my yoga pants. She tells us to go grab a Windex rag for when our poles get slimy and pick any pole we want. Then she swings her ponytail and sashays off to work a pole. Excuse me, there is going to be slime! Pretty sure I didn't pay $29 whole dollars for 5 sessions of slime. Doug and I look at each other with resignation, we are too far in to leave now. I select the only pole that doesn't have a mirror directly behind it so I don't have to watch myself ALL the time. At this point my pole might as well be an anaconda about to cut off my air by strangulation if I get to close to it. I can't touch it. 8ft Emily is leisurely warming up by working several different poles in the room, none of her poles are snakes, what gives? Doug and I are trying to make a little small talk in the form, calm down Funny Fat Chic, its gonna be ok. I even make 8ft Emily tell me she won't kill me. I'm certain at this point she is in cahoots with the anaconda pole before me in some attempt to end my life either through emotional exhaustion, pure humiliation, or a traumatic head injury. Yep, got myself worked up into a good nervous now. The rest of the class starts to drift in. It consisted of 4 women over the age of 50, one young hot girl, and a house wife that was working the pole like her marriage depended on it, and of course Doug and I. So, now I'm thinking, well, this is a mixed bag to say the least. 8ft Emily even had a legitimate conversation with one of the 50+'s about how to paint herself with a base layer, then glitter, and then another base layer for more grip. And here I stand with nothing but a rag sprayed with Windex and an impending anxiety attack to give me grip. Getting a grip is precisely what I need at this point if we don't get to moving around. Finally, 8ft Emily ditches her hoodie, and guess what? You'll never guess what... She is pregnant!! Ok, I'm 97% sure she is pregnant, if not she needs to do more abs. I spend the rest of the class wondering if her pimp knocked her up and is he 8ft tall too or is a midget with a lot of charm??? Burning questions. We do some warm-up stuff and then its to the pole. At this point 8ft Emily put on 6inch heels, which made her 9ft tall, do the math. We did mostly what they call level 1 stuff and one level 2 move. 8ft Emily told us the moves aren't that hard, making them pretty is. She wasn't wrong. Not one single one of my moves was pretty. But I did them all... eventually. Doug on the other hand has rhythm, grace, and timing. She did great!! I have jerky, pause filled, squeaky movements that not one person on the planet would throw a dollar at. I'm not sure how I walk without falling, ok, sometimes I don't. We even did one move where you suspend yourself on the pole. The good news is that the P90X is paying off, I could actually hold myself up there and spin. And 8ft Emily even had to laugh because I got a look on my face like, "Look, look, I'm doing it!!", nothing sexy going on over here, I was more like an elated toddler learning to swing by herself. The class ended with "free dance". They turned out the lights, turned up the music, and turned us loose. This free time consisted of me unlearning everything I just learned. All the stuff I just did I magically blanked out on how to do. I'd catch a break every once in awhile, but it wasn't pretty, or coordinated, or recognizable as anything. My conclusions for the evening where this... I am now blissfully aware of my spare tire in the front and the insides of my thighs. Apparently that is where my extra weight is hanging out. Pole dancing, at least for the dancer, has nothing to do with sex. Level one pole dancing does not make me break a sweat, I, however, will probably never be ready for level 2. Getting outside of your comfort zone is a good thing, something I am striving for these days, and sometimes you can surprise yourself by gripping an anaconda and going for a spin. Doug and I decided we are gonna finish our 5 classes. Its something different to do... and I mean different.

I just wanna sleep!!

Ok, here we are, Wednesday, middle of the road, middle of the week, blah, blah, blah. Time for me to complain... again. I don't what my deal is but I am going on like day 6 of ridiculous, next to nothin, sleep. I am trying to do everything right, I am active all day, workout, I should have plenty of reason to be tired, I don't eat for at least 2 hours before bed so I'm not digesting all night, I keep my room dark, etc., etc., etc. What the heck gives?? If this is the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse, then let's get on with it!! Last night I was up at 11, 12:30, and finally from 3:30 on. I've counted sheep, counted from 500 backwards, I could probably win some weird bar contest with that skill by now. I've tried chamomile tea before bed. I'm reading a dull book that should put anyone into a coma, but nope, not me. Insomnia is a family trait, my Mom is the worst and seems to be able to function on 6 hours pretty comfortably. I just know that for health and weight loss reasons it would sure be great if I was getting a regular 8 hours, but something is keeping that from happening. Toss, turn, lay on my back with my arms over my head, sprawl on my stomach with a leg hiked to the side, curl up in the fetal position, one blanket, two blankets, an arrangement of pillows that looks like I had a pillow fight from hell every morning.... It's getting ugly, man. Some demon is wrestling with me at night and keeping my mind racing and my eyes open, and he has got to go, just sayin'.

Dude... Check it out!

In my quest to change things up a bit I have been searching for a protein oriented powder to make a "shake" with that wasn't dairy or soy. Dude, challenge accepted. I am lactose intolerant (so, not quite allergic, but milk products still don't look good on me, much like ponchos, or colored jeans). So, all the lovely whey products are out. Soy is a no no for me as estrogen related breast cancer runs in my family and processed soy is loaded with phyto-estrogens. I just recently learned that only processed soy has the bio-available estrogens, raw soy, like edamame, is ok. Kinda cool info, dude. But, none-the-less, soy is out. What I found was a plant based protein that has the appropriate ratio and amounts of Omega 6's and 3's (the happy-healthy fats) and is 120 calories per serving. Dude, it's HEMP! Who knew?!?! The compliment to this powder for me is Almond Milk. Another great discovery for me, dude. I always figured coming from a nut it would be high in calories and I've always just done without milk for the most part, so I never bothered to read the label. It's only 40 calories a cup (DUDE!!) and it tastes good and has the texture and/or consistency of milk. Color me shocked and awed.  So, I am adding this combo into the mix that is my daily nutrition. I am still juicing, but some days it might be my snack, others it might be apart of a meal. I still feel  very convicted about the nutritional value of juicing, I'm just changing my program to suite my current needs. Adaption, dude, it makes the world go round, not square, round. And lucky for me the hemp is very satisfying for my appetite instead of stimulating it like other parts of that particular plant do upon consumption. Although I am noticing one side effect... Do I say DUDE a lot now, or is it just me???

If you are interested in checking out some hemp powder, coconut oil (don't even get me started on that magical stuff, dude), chia seeds, etc.... The website is www.nutiva.com.

Everyone is an expert.

I would like to preface this post by saying that I have an AMAZING support team when it comes to my weight loss. My family, friends, and coworkers have all been utterly supportive, encouraging, and down right patient with me. When I mention some of the "bad" compliments at the end, they are in no way pertaining to you, 'cause I know you guys are loyally reading this. Disclaimer over.

When you lose a large amount if weight, or heck, just a noticeable amount of weight, it's a public affair whether you want it to be or not. And when you get close to your goal, or noticeably close to your goal there are two types of comments that you get. One is welcomed, the other is utter garbage and should be kept to one's self if that is the opinion you have. The first is the typical compliments that are always welcome. The "you look great", and "your skinnier every time I see you", and "look how pretty you are" are always appropriate and endearing compliments. They only turn sour if they are followed by "how much have you lost?" or "isn't amazing what happens when you push yourself away from the table?", or something along those lines. Asking someone how much weight they have lost is right up there with asking a rancher how many cattle they have or a millionaire how much money they've got in the bank(s). It's poor form, if they offer the info it's one thing, but it's rude to just come out and ask. And implying that you know what someone else's struggle has been like or diminishing it's validity is just plain mean. I guess even good compliments can go bad, but for the most part, they are good, and welcomed, and nice. And then there's the bad ones. My personal favorite is the "you're getting too skinny, it's time to stop losing weight". I have gotten that one from several people lately. Here are my issues with it. First of all, I'm not too skinny. I have 30 pounds to go by my own standards and realistically, 50 pounds by any professionals standards. These are not small numbers. These are still technically "obese" numbers. So don't tell me I'm too skinny. Secondly, who are you to tell me what I should look like. I've worked hard to get this far, don't tell me I shouldn't finish this goal or not continue on this journey. When I was fat you were polite enough to talk about that behind my back, at least do me the same courtesy now. And just because my loss is visible doesn't make it open for public debate or discussion. I think about it enough on my own without having it brought to my attention. And lastly, I'm mostly doing this for my health. Partly because I want to look good, but mostly for my health. Only a crazy, self-righteous person would walk up to a smokers and tell them they should quit. And you never see someone go over to a 300lb man and tell him to put the large pizza down. You don't catch folks going into bars telling the regulars to put down their drink. But, because people think it is a compliment, they are more than happy to tell you to stop losing weight. So, by this line of logic, you were much happier when I was fat than when I'm at a healthy weight, you didn't feel like I was doing a disservice to myself or society at large then. Well, I guess everyone is an expert. If I ever get to the "too skinny" stage feel free to come and point it out, you know, if I haven't blown away in the wind or anything like that.

Disclaimer #2... I do not consider myself to be an expert. I am Forest Gump-ing my way through this weight loss deal. There are no replacements for nutritionists, trainers, or doctors when it come to weight loss. So, take all my advice with a grain of salt... and a shot of tequila, everything makes more sense with tequila.

Strange but true.

I prefer to workout in the dark. Why? I have no idea. If I put on my psychologist hat I could make some guesses. First, I see everything. I can't turn off my observation skills, ever. If I ever claim I missed something I'm most likely lying because I didn't want to be a part of what I was seeing. I have naughty selective hearing like that too. This is a good reason why I don't do well at gyms. I am constantly watching other people, silently judging their workouts, becoming self conscience of my own, and eventually wondering who is watching me. My theory is I prefer to workout in the dark to stay focused, keep my mind on my movements and my movements on my mind, so to speak. In addition, I also prefer to workout by myself. Having another person workout with me does not motivate me like it does others, it makes me extremely self-conscience. It also trips my competitive trigger and ends up not being much fun for the other person. Its best if I sweat alone, at least when it comes to exercise. I would someday like to find out how I would do with a trainer. After I win that gosh darn lottery I'll let you know how much I enjoy my nutritionist and personal trainer, hahaha. My second theory is that I figure nobody wants to see me jiggling my fat arse around, apparently not even myself. If I can't see it, it must not be there, right? I'm weird all around about light anyways. In the mornings, if you want to make me angry, go ahead and wake me up by turning on the lights, instant anger ball. Or, here's one for you, more often than not I shower in the dark too. I'm high functioning in the morning and can get a lot done, just don't talk to me or turn the lights on too soon. Don't get me wrong, I love the light, sunshine, etc. I get down right depressed if I don't get enough, but some situations just call for the lights to be out. Strange, but true.

Bottomless Pit

Sometimes I am a bottomless pit. As in there is not enough food on the planet to fill me up. Certainly not enough food in my house, which, thank God, last night, was scantily stocked. I put a hurtin on some peanut butter and beef jerky though, and a bowl of popcorn. Vegetable juice was not gonna cut it last night, not in the least. There are many reasons why this happens. I am intimately familiar with them all. One alone can cause this phenomenon, but a combination of them can lead to me finishing a jar of green olives and chasing it with peanut butter and honey straight off the spoon. Sometimes it is stress related. I've been doing pretty good with the stress by whining here in this forum and sweating it out by exercising, but it was bound to bust my diet at some point. Side note, I HATE the word "diet". Sometimes its exercise driven. Every so often my body says "Hey! We are running on too little food... FEED US NOW!". It can be rejection oriented, whether it be a guy, a friend, something at work, doesn't matter to a constant approval seeker like myself. And finally, last night's culprit... Premenstrual syndrome (yep, I said it). I bet if we looked back to my post entitled I had a bad night... or the one about the foods I am addicted to, it would be approximately a month ago. Go figure. I'm sure today will be a cake walk, minus the cake, 'cause one evening usually gets it out of my system, but last night was a free for all for which I refuse to apologize. Which just means I have hormonal confidence right now, I'm sure in a few days I will be kicking myself up one side and down the other.

Just not that into it...

I didn't work out last night. <Insert shocked face> I got off of work two hours late and by the time I got home and did chores it was getting late and I was tired. Now, I know before I have said that these are the most important times to get after it. I tried, I put on my workout clothes, got 10 minutes into it and could tell that my heart, and my body, were not going to put forth a gallant effort, so I stopped. I haven't taken a "REST" day in 3 weeks. My program has a one day a week "REST" day, and I'm guessing there is a reason for it, but I have opted to ignore their considerable wisdom and forge ahead at my own ridiculous pace. So, last night, I threw on my PJ's and for the hour before I went to bed I zoned out to TV and texting and just relaxed. And, you know what, last night I slept better, not great, but better. So, maybe, just maybe, it's ok to listen to your body when it says, "I need a break". I think mine did, and now I'm ready to tackle today and whatever it may bring.

Plateaus and Milestones

I did a little reading yesterday. I read about diet and fitness plateaus. Titillating stuff. None of what I read was earth shattering by any means and I probably knew most of this information in the back of my mind. But, it takes very little to put me in a tailspin these days and yesterday 2lbs on the scale did just that. I have calmed down and started thinking a little more rationally now, at least until the next tailspin hits. Here are the things I learned, again, not news flashes, but if you are anything like me information that you don't want to hear has to be pounded in to your head repeatedly before it really sinks in.

1. Plateaus in diets are not only common, but when you have lost large amounts of weight (aka my 100+ lbs) they are to be expected. How's that for a pat on the back for doing such a good job?? You've come all this way, now you can't reach your goal... Pffffft!

2. There is a good chance I have not been taking in enough calories for my activity level. Counter intuitive, ABSOLUTELY! More days than not I don't top 1,000 calories. I know because I have started tracking them on my phone, something I swore I wouldn't do again because I become obsessed with the numbers. But in this case, with the workouts I am doing, the activity level of my job, and my inability to sit still at night, I probably need to add a little more fuel into my day.

3. I am not getting enough protein, more specifically my protein to carb to fat ratio is off. My nutrition tends to be more vegetable related which translates to carbs, good ones but still carbs. But again, with the muscle I am putting on from the workouts my body needs some more protein support that process, otherwise it can't efficiently do what I am asking of it... So, it looks like #2 and #3 can work together, extra calories obtained through some extra protein.

4. I only thought I was drinking enough water. I probably drink between 65-75 oz of water a day. More than the average bear. But, according to several different nutritionist the suggested amount of water intake for weight loss is an equation that looks like this... Body Weight divided by 2 = # of ounces of water to be drank daily. That means I need to be drinking 80 oz of water a day... No doing the math to figure out how much I weigh!! That is a lot of water, so, if you see me running to the bathroom a lot its because I am water logged.

5. My workouts are not hard enough. Don't get me wrong, they are hard. But, I am at the end of a 90 day program. I have a week and a half left to be exact, which, I will finish because I have to finish. My muscles are officially trained to this workout and are performing the maneuvers so efficiently that it is no longer hard for them. I have found myself doing extra reps of things while the people on the video are recording their results or drinking water, so in the back of my mind I have already been trying to compensate for that. I have a new workout coming in a couple weeks, so hopefully this problem will get remedied there. Oh man, I am not ready to be super sore again... They also suggested changing the time of day I workout. Since I have been working out at night for some time I think I will change to mornings when the new workout gets here.

6. Stress is holding me back. The more you stress the more your body creates that crap called cortisol that makes your body think it needs to hold onto everything for impending doom. I think its safe to say I have been stressed as of late. I haven't been sleeping, having weird, bizarre, vivid dreams when I do sleep, tossing and turning and over thinking when I'm not dreaming. It's not good. I've been here before and its hard to get out of. It's an attitude thing and a little bit of luck thing. If I got one thing to turn my direction I can usually get everything else to make the corner too. I have a lot of balls I am juggling right now and currently they are all up in the air. So, God willing, one will land where I need it to and things will start to fall into place.

There's my plateau busters, so to speak. I am going to work on each and everyone of them and see what happens. I'm sure in the mix I'm going to have to have some patience to transition out of this, which by the way is NOT one of my virtues, but I'll work on that too. Here goes nothin....

Oh, I almost forgot the milestones... First one, we have reached over 1,000 page views for this blog... That means that you guys (most likely gals), have come and read the blog over 1,000 times... THANK YOU!! Thank you for the quiet support and kindness of following my crazy thought process, it means a lot to me. Secondly, I finished my ab routine with no breaks what-so-ever. I always falter at the scissor maneuver because he does it at a tortuously slow pace, but yesterday, I made it, and that was cool. Lastly, I have had people that I know don't read the blog compliment me lately and tell me I have done a great job, which is awesome to hear and means I am probably doing something, God only knows what, right. It wigs me out a little because I start to feel accountable to the people that are proud of me and if I gain I feel like I let them down, but for the most part its a good thing!! And, I need to let it be a good thing. So, again, THANK YOU for reading, as long as I am neurotic, I'll keep it coming (aka DON'T expect this blog to end any time soon).

My body fights dirty.

Today is Monday. Probably not news to you. What it means around my outfit is that it is weigh-in day. Yesterday was Sunday... Superbowl Sunday. Again, probably not news to you. What this means is that I ate some, as in I ate some more than I have been. My weigh-in was not a happy event. I was up 2 pounds. 2 f-ing pounds, pardon my language. I ate yesterday and it wasn't good for me food, it was wings, and a few bites of dip, and some onion rings, and a half of brownie I allowed myself, and a little bit of jello/cream cheese confection. I moderated myself for the most part but still hit the uncomfortable point, stupid, I know, and the rich food didn't agree with me because I haven't been eating like that at all. But, here is the thing... I have been EXTREMELY good. I have been working my hiney off in my workouts, really pushing it. I don't sit around the house at all at night, I ride 2 horses, I work out, I don't sit. I have been religious about my nutrition. This is my second gain week in a row. This is VERY discouraging to say the least. My body will do this, gain, gain, and then big lose. But this cycle is making me crazy, making me doubtful, and driving me crazy, did I mention that already??? My clothes fit fine, but I can't get rid of this relentless bit of gut in the front. I need something to switch things up and I just don't know what. I'm not sure how much more reading I can do about this. I'm doing all the right things, I drink TONS of water, I exercise 6-7 days a week (I mix cardio, plyo, yoga, and strength training), I eat vegetables and lean protein, nothing processed, nothing boxed, I track my calories, I try to get 8 hours of sleep, I TRY, I TRY, I TRY. This a dirty rotten deal that my body has stopped responding. Everyone tells me I look great, and I do, comparatively. But if I walked into a gym and had a trainer evaluate me right now they would tell me I need to lose 50lbs, not 30 (ok, 31 with today's weigh-in) like my goal and they would affirm my "I'm fat" sign I'm wearing around my neck these days. It's put me at a desperate point. The commercials for fad stuff are starting to sound good. I won't do them because they are expensive and aren't sustainable, but for crying out loud!!! What the heck do I need to change to get some change in the right direction??? I don't have the answer, but it is my new quest to find out, because one cheat day should not upset all the hard work I have put in, that just can't be true, it's not true for everyone else, it can't be true for me.

Holy lard Funny Fat Chic, to the Fat Mobile!!

I have always gotten excited by good food. Sometimes even by bad food. I don't believe that is something that is ever going to change irregardless of my weight status. I would like to believe the better the food the more satisfied I will be and the less I will eat, but honestly, who am I kidding. The title of this post has to do with the point in my life that I began realizing food was a "problem" for me, I wasn't ready to deal with it yet, but in the back of my mind I knew it was an issue.

Holy lard <insert my real name>, to the Fat Mobile!! Was what one of my besties in high school would yell up the ag room stairs at lunch time, indicating it was time to race into "town" and get some grub. The reason we had to race was because at my school there was a mass exodus everyday from the high school and if you didn't get out early you might miss out. There were two significant food events that happened in the small town that I grew up in while I was in high school. First, the local barber got a mail order bride from the Far East and he opened her a deli. She made Asian fair that was so delicious it was borderline indescribable. Everyday she made a set amount of her Asian noodles and if you didn't get there before they were gone she would say, "No noodles, no noodles for you today!", in a sharp tone that was oddly reminiscent of the soup Nazi on Seinfeld, thus we deemed her the "Noodle Nazi", even though racially we were WAY off base. Option two for lunch was the Taco Bell that opened up my sophomore year in one of the three gas stations in town. It was not hard to overwhelm this miniature Taco Bell, so, again, if you didn't get there early, you might miss out or have to return to school empty handed because you were gonna be late for class and the line was too long. It was our quest each day to obtain one of these delicious, tasty, oh-so-yummy treats and beat out "the boys" so that it would be their NO NOODLE day. Its an interesting phenomenon when your entire day revolves around whether you are gonna get that meal. Its more than just nourishment, its a competition, I would hate to miss out on my portion the fake cheese Taco Bell melted between two tortillas, or heaven forbid I not get my noodles and lemon pepper chicken. Needless to say, I got an early start on my Freshman fifteen... or should I say Freshman 50+.

Currently, all I can think about is hot wings. Super Bowl Sunday is coming up and you can bet your bottom dollar I am going to have me some hot wings. Which, you know what, that's ok. I'm just gonna refrain from eating them like I will never see them again, or worse yet, like one of the people I am watching the Super Bowl with might get more than me. I can cook, my family can cook, like really cook, so, the wings will be nothing short of amazing and I am gonna be happy with the few that I partake in and not obsess about what it might be doing to the size of my butt. I have worked hard all week on my diet and my exercise program and some wings on Sunday aren't gonna take that away from me. Just remember its ok to be human sometimes and enjoy the party!