If my recent posts haven't convinced you that I am a certifiable nut job, I don't know what else to throw at you other than this... I am a certifiable nut job. Or, maybe not. Here's the thing about doing a blog like this. I feel like the intention is to put out there the things that I have going on inside my pea brain in an attempt to possibly let someone else that may be going through a similar thought process know that they aren't the only ones. This requires a level of honesty that I would basically never indulge in during my day to day life. I am not a wear my heart on my sleeve or advertise my problems to the world kinda person. One of my closest and dearest friends tells me that she often feels like an otter beating a clam shell when she is trying to get personal information out of me. But, between the blog and the battle with with my weight, here we are, me bearing my soul.
That is another thing by the way. I think that my brain wanting to battle all my demons at once has a lot to do with my weight loss. When you go to war with your body, you go to war with more than just the fat. You have to battle the reasons that you got fat to begin with, and more than just the "I was born with a bad metabolism" reason. And, now that I am getting down to the nitty gritty of the weight loss I am hitting a new stride at picking at myself. I am not staring down a hundred pounds in the face everyday and telling it to get lost, now I am just staring down myself and all the other things I want to get lost. Its a rough deal and its put me in an "official funk" to quote one of my best friends.
So, its obvious that one of the ways that I value my worth is my appearance. Sounds pretty vain, right? Well, don't BS yourself, EVERYONE does this to some degree. I believe it is deeper than just appearance though. We see thin people as healthy people. People that have it together enough to look good. So, yes, I judge myself by my appearance. I also judge myself by my singleness. I feel like I am single because who would possibly want to be with me, there must be some reason as to why I have made it to 32 years of age and am still single? I'm sure the good Lord has a plan for me in that department, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting a little tired of waiting, the clock is ticking, so to speak. Numero tres... I judge myself by job success. I am good at my job, but I am not a successful person when it comes to finance, security, etc. I am currently taking steps to remedy that, it won't be an overnight process and it is going to require some hard decisions, but in the end I am starting to feel like I at least have a game plan and am finally working towards something. I have this feeling that I wasted or misused my higher education but I can't go back and change my major now, so, its time to make the best of it and roll on. On a much smaller scale I measure my worth by whether or not I am good person. At the heart of it, yes, I am a good person. I'd do anything for anyone and especially the people close to me. I know that I need to weigh that more heavily, I'm working on it, but I'm working on a lot right now.
My boss, a VERY happy person, a VERY successful person, always tells me that she has three rules to happiness. You have to fulfill 2 of the 3 to achieve your happiness.
1) Where you live.
2) Who you are with.
3) What you do.
I currently have one out of the three. I do love where I live, but, I'm sure I could love other places to. So, in order to find my happiness I'm going to have to raise my level worth, get happy with what I am doing, or get happy with someone. Its a weird place to be in right now, and a little dark. But, I feel like I am going to have to go through it and quit sweeping it under the rug if I am going to get away from this funk. I would like to get away from it, I feel like it is time, a cross roads if you will. I have battled this far, it would be silly to stop now. I'm still going to fight for this last 29lbs, I'm going to fight to get myself to a better career path, and maybe, just maybe in the process, someone will fight to be with me. Certifiable nut job, maybe yes, maybe no.
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