Riddle me this, Batman???

Warning, there is graphic content in this post. I'm going to speak of underwear.

I'm under the assumption that the majority of my fat kid audience is of the female persuasion, if there are any guys out there, I apologize in advance for this post and you will just have to bear with me.

Riddle me this, Batman... Is there anything more dehumanizing on the planet than buying underwear (especially bras)??? I have still been parading around in underwear that fit me 119.2lbs ago, to be exact. Why? Because I hate, I HATE, buying underwear. As a matter of fact I am a terrible clothes shopper in general. Ask my friends. They will tell you that I never try anything on, never take anything back, and rarely have the guts to buy anything unless it is marked down no less than 75%. It wouldn't be any fun to get complimented on something if I couldn't shoot back with, "Thanks, $3 at Gordman's!!". Ridiculous. You know where you can't ever apply those shopping rules, underwear. Now the stuff I have been wearing is beyond done, size wise, and to be brutally honest, its function is nearly minimal. You can see through them and the only thing holding them up is my pants. If I happen to be wearing some of my fat pants, well, look out!! So, on my vacation to do list is:
[ ] Buy new underwear.
I have a box, it needs checked off. Since I had to hit the grocery store, I thought, well, heck, no time like the present. Here's the thing, I have no idea what size to get. Its not like the numbers match the same numbers as when you buy your pants, no, that would be entirely to easy. Nope. So here is what I am sure of. I don't need to buy the underwear that comes in the plastic bag of 6 pairs for the price of 4 and only comes in sizes large enough to wave the white flag at the enemy. I'm headed home to throw out that portion of my life as soon as I'm done here. So long, se la vi, hasta lasagna, see you at the dump!! But, am I an 8 (a number in pants that would have me jumping for joy), am I a 5 (too ridiculously small, who could be a 5??). Who knows?? Ha! So, I bought some, I guess we will see if they fit. If they are, let's say, too big, I'm sure I will wear them until the cows come home and I feel this shameful once again and have to buy new ones. If they are, let's say, too small, I will put them away in hopes of fitting them one day soon and then I guess I will go without for awhile because there is no doubt in my mind that I am tossing the old ones out, come hell or high water. If I get in a car accident, god help the EMT's. And, then, I purchased one bra. I currently sport the ultimate in comfort Genie bra because its comfortable and bras are weird. I'm lucky enough to be flat chested and big barrelled. There is no such thing as a pretty bra for that, I have searched high and low to find one. But, who knows, maybe this push-up bra with all the promises on the tag won't let me down, I have my doubts. But boy, oh, boy the promises. You know it is some woman, a trader no less, that writes those tags. She knows what we want to hear and knows exactly how to spin it. Adds two cup sizes (in pretty pink script)! Comfort wire (how did those two words EVER get smashed together). No back lines!! That is a personal favorite of mine. All my working out is beginning to make my back pretty toned, god bless push-ups, but put a regular bra on me and it back fat city!! So, there you have it, $75 later I have new underwear, a new bra (obviously a cheap one) and absolutely no self-esteem left.