I had a bad night.

I ate popcorn. And two pickles. On a caloric scale those aren't the worst cheats in the world, just loaded with sodium. But, that isn't the point, is it. I am supposed to be juicing these next two weeks to reboot my system from the holidays. Last week was hugely successful, I lost weight, I feel better, my skin looks better, win win win. But this week is harder. So, it is time to ask myself why???

My initial, lying to myself, gut reaction is its cold outside, I'm working out, and darn it I need the calories to fuel myself and stay warm. Why there may be some truth to that, those are not the reasons I ate. What the true bottom line is I'm bored. My work has slowed down and isn't stimulating my non-stop, ever active brain waves... Or, my newly energized body. When I am bored it gives me the time to have all kinds of arguments with myself and plenty of time to pick myself apart. So, yesterday, that is exactly what I did. The exercise thing has a lot to do with it. When I exercise I do legitimately feel better, but it also brings to light the 37lbs that are still hanging grotesquely off of my body. I don't like seeing my stomach hang down when I do push-ups or have it in the way for 7 of the 11 ab moves on the video. Its ugly, floppy, and feels foreign on me now. Strike one. For those of you that didn't know, I am single. Which, let me tell you is SUPER FUN....Pfffft.... Fart noise.... She says dripping with sarcasm and disdain. Recently, I have been chatting via the Internet and text with a guy I used to work with a long time ago. From the advent of social media we struck up a conversation. It has been totally casual so far, but there is the possibility that we are going to meet up soon. I am not ready, at least not physically. I still don't feel like I look date night worthy. Crazy, shallow, doesn't matter, I know. But, its how I feel. All my friends would tell me to "shut up", "you look great", "if he doesn't like you for you, he isn't worth it". They are probably right, but in the back of my mind I have these nagging thoughts of arm flab and my loose, floppy stomach. Strike two. I also think I am afraid of success. I'm getting close to my goal. That is a scary thought, very scary. I know 37lbs is still a lot of weight, but when you compare it to 107, its a drop in the hat. The scary part about accomplishing that is that it might actually be life changing. I might actually feel worthy to date someone. I might go do things I have been embarrassed to go do, like learn to swim. I might get comfortable in my own skin and not obsess constantly about what I am putting in my mouth and how it compares to how much energy I have expended. It might actually change my life, and that is scary. Strike three. So, enter the popcorn and pickles. Thank God there was nothing else to eat in my house, I might have demolished it too. I did still exercise, but that feels like a shameful win.

Today, is a new day. I'm gonna work on NOT beating myself up and NOT worrying about things I can't control. I'm going to try to keep myself busier. Wish me luck!! I'll do the same for you.