Hot mess.

I woke up this morning and I felt sick to my stomach, and my mind was racing 5,000 miles an hour, and basically I am a hot mess. Why??? I have no idea. I'm up 1.2 lbs from last weigh in, but that was after this ball was already rolling. There are a few things in my life that I haven't allowed myself to be upset about and I think the dam is about to break. I am tired of stressing about this weight loss stuff for starters. I know that is a bad attitude, I need to think about it as lifestyle change and not worry about the scale, blah, blah, blah. But here is the thing, its hard to do that when you have to weigh in weekly to see how you are measuring up. I am working my program and its working, but this last 29lbs is gonna kill me. I have lost 118lbs to date and have 29lbs to go. Most people start their weight loss journeys needing to lose 30-ish lbs, not me, I'm supposed to be ecstatic that that is all I have to go. Right now, I'm not, I'm not ecstatic. I'm bummed because I don't have as much money in the bank as I would like. I know that is something that is true for everyone, but I'm not talking about everyone, I'm talking about me. I always feel like if I just had a "enough" money I could make some changes in my life, changes towards happiness. I like my job, but often times it isn't challenging enough for me and I could be doing more, my brain could be doing more, much more. I feel like I have completely wasted my higher education and to me that is a total disappointment. I saw "the guy" on vacation, we hit it off and had a great time, and now since I am home I've hardly heard from him. His life is complicated and we live 6 hours apart is the short of it. But the thing that gets me is how short of a trip it is to put me into full blown insecurity mode. Something will happen one way or another with him and I believe if it is meant to be it will be, but right now, I still feel like ball of ugly, insecure, mess. I want to shave my head. I have had it with my hair. I want it to be long and pretty. It will never be long and pretty. I don't want to be my Mom. I love my Mom dearly, and I could go into details, but I won't. The bottom line is I don't want to end up like her, and right now I feel like that is the path I am on. So, it all sounds to me like it is time for some changes, as if dropping 118lbs hasn't been enough. I'm not going to eat my way through this blip, God I hope its a blip, but I am writing about it, and hopefully my 5,000 miles per hour brain will come up with some solutions.