Measure of worth.

If my recent posts haven't convinced you that I am a certifiable nut job, I don't know what else to throw at you other than this... I am a certifiable nut job. Or, maybe not. Here's the thing about doing a blog like this. I feel like the intention is to put out there the things that I have going on inside my pea brain in an attempt to possibly let someone else that may be going through a similar thought process know that they aren't the only ones. This requires a level of honesty that I would basically never indulge in during my day to day life. I am not a wear my heart on my sleeve or advertise my problems to the world kinda person. One of my closest and dearest friends tells me that she often feels like an otter beating a clam shell when she is trying to get personal information out of me. But, between the blog and the battle with with my weight, here we are, me bearing my soul.

That is another thing by the way. I think that my brain wanting to battle all my demons at once has a lot to do with my weight loss. When you go to war with your body, you go to war with more than just the fat. You have to battle the reasons that you got fat to begin with, and more than just the "I was born with a bad metabolism" reason. And, now that I am getting down to the nitty gritty of the weight loss I am hitting a new stride at picking at myself. I am not staring down a hundred pounds in the face everyday and telling it to get lost, now I am just staring down myself and all the other things I want to get lost. Its a rough deal and its put me in an "official funk" to quote one of my best friends.

So, its obvious that one of the ways that I value my worth is my appearance. Sounds pretty vain, right? Well, don't BS yourself, EVERYONE does this to some degree. I believe it is deeper than just appearance though. We see thin people as healthy people. People that have it together enough to look good. So, yes, I judge myself by my appearance. I also judge myself by my singleness. I feel like I am single because who would possibly want to be with me, there must be some reason as to why I have made it to 32 years of age and am still single? I'm sure the good Lord has a plan for me in that department, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting a little tired of waiting, the clock is ticking, so to speak. Numero tres... I judge myself by job success. I am good at my job, but I am not a successful person when it comes to finance, security, etc. I am currently taking steps to remedy that, it won't be an overnight process and it is going to require some hard decisions, but in the end I am starting to feel like I at least have a game plan and am finally working towards something. I have this feeling that I wasted or misused my higher education but I can't go back and change my major now, so, its time to make the best of it and roll on. On a much smaller scale I measure my worth by whether or not I am good person. At the heart of it, yes, I am a good person. I'd do anything for anyone and especially the people close to me. I know that I need to weigh that more heavily, I'm working on it, but I'm working on a lot right now.

My boss, a VERY happy person, a VERY successful person, always tells me that she has three rules to happiness. You have to fulfill 2 of the 3 to achieve your happiness.
1) Where you live.
2) Who you are with.
3) What you do.
I currently have one out of the three. I do love where I live, but, I'm sure I could love other places to. So, in order to find my happiness I'm going to have to raise my level worth, get happy with what I am doing, or get happy with someone. Its a weird place to be in right now, and a little dark. But, I feel like I am going to have to go through it and quit sweeping it under the rug if I am going to get away from this funk. I would like to get away from it, I feel like it is time, a cross roads if you will. I have battled this far, it would be silly to stop now. I'm still going to fight for this last 29lbs, I'm going to fight to get myself to a better career path, and maybe, just maybe in the process, someone will fight to be with me. Certifiable nut job, maybe yes, maybe no.

Love. Hate. And Aviators.

Things I Hate:
Inversions. Arm jiggle. Ab routines. Zucchini. Being ignored. Mouth breathers. Being alone (not alone time, but being alone). Presumptuous cooking shows. Meatloaf. My stomach. Taking vitamins. Crying. Cleaning bathrooms. Being late. Hot tubs (they make my feet hot). Money, or lack there of. Fiction romance novels, except 50 Shades of Grey, I loved that one, Shhhh, don't tell anyone. Stuffed peppers. Dishes. Clubs, not bars. Cold feet. Chin hair (on women). Fake/rude people. Being told what to do. Not knowing what to do. Mud. Confined spaces. Tuna fish. Flying. Myself.

Things I Love:
My family (regular and extended). My friends. My toes when they are painted. Buffalo wings. Football. Beer. Rodeos. Hooded sweatshirts. Dancing (even though I am terrible at it). Long, hot showers. Beef jerky. Grey's Anatomy. Non-fiction books. Mexican food. All things cowboy. Boots. Whiskey. My horses. Wiener dogs. Cookbooks. Cameras (as long as I'm behind them).  Small town dive bars. John Wayne movies. Olives. Sunshine. Concerts. Avocados. Travelling. Sweating (good thing 'cause I do it a lot). Dried fruit. Jeans. Aviator sunglasses. Wine. Peanut butter and honey. Honest laughter (like what kids do). Hanging with the guys. Hanging with the girls. Corny jokes. My Lord, Jesus Christ. Myself.

Yesterday, the sun came out, I put on my aviators, ate some beef jerky, got the ball rolling on some big girl decisions, rode my horse, and got my sweat on. I felt a little better.

Hot mess.

I woke up this morning and I felt sick to my stomach, and my mind was racing 5,000 miles an hour, and basically I am a hot mess. Why??? I have no idea. I'm up 1.2 lbs from last weigh in, but that was after this ball was already rolling. There are a few things in my life that I haven't allowed myself to be upset about and I think the dam is about to break. I am tired of stressing about this weight loss stuff for starters. I know that is a bad attitude, I need to think about it as lifestyle change and not worry about the scale, blah, blah, blah. But here is the thing, its hard to do that when you have to weigh in weekly to see how you are measuring up. I am working my program and its working, but this last 29lbs is gonna kill me. I have lost 118lbs to date and have 29lbs to go. Most people start their weight loss journeys needing to lose 30-ish lbs, not me, I'm supposed to be ecstatic that that is all I have to go. Right now, I'm not, I'm not ecstatic. I'm bummed because I don't have as much money in the bank as I would like. I know that is something that is true for everyone, but I'm not talking about everyone, I'm talking about me. I always feel like if I just had a "enough" money I could make some changes in my life, changes towards happiness. I like my job, but often times it isn't challenging enough for me and I could be doing more, my brain could be doing more, much more. I feel like I have completely wasted my higher education and to me that is a total disappointment. I saw "the guy" on vacation, we hit it off and had a great time, and now since I am home I've hardly heard from him. His life is complicated and we live 6 hours apart is the short of it. But the thing that gets me is how short of a trip it is to put me into full blown insecurity mode. Something will happen one way or another with him and I believe if it is meant to be it will be, but right now, I still feel like ball of ugly, insecure, mess. I want to shave my head. I have had it with my hair. I want it to be long and pretty. It will never be long and pretty. I don't want to be my Mom. I love my Mom dearly, and I could go into details, but I won't. The bottom line is I don't want to end up like her, and right now I feel like that is the path I am on. So, it all sounds to me like it is time for some changes, as if dropping 118lbs hasn't been enough. I'm not going to eat my way through this blip, God I hope its a blip, but I am writing about it, and hopefully my 5,000 miles per hour brain will come up with some solutions.

Reset button.

So, I cleaned my closets the other day. It was about the same time as the underwear purge, which if you were curious turned out well. Today I was "in town" and decided that I could splurge on an item or two to fill the void. Since I vowed not to purchase any more jeans until I drop to the next size, I headed for my second love behind boots, jackets! I found a cute pea coat, but not wool, lighter than that. I also found a nice, funky, fun sweater. Since I am a clearance shopper, I got both for less than the original price of the sweater. Go me! Boring story so far... Here is the twist... After I walked away towards the checkout, I realized I was in the Juniors section. The Juniors section. In my mind I am still a plus size gal. The jacket was an XL, my mind still translates that to 'big ole ass'. But an XL in the Juniors is NOT the same as it is in the Plus size or Women's sections. I went and walked through the Plus size section just to make sure.  Everyday, all day, I still see myself as fat. Don't get me wrong, I am still overweight, but I'm not plus size overweight anymore. I don't know what to do to get my brain to make that transition. I need a reset button I can push before I go to bed and wake up seeing myself like others do. If I don't start to do that, I'm going to keep beating myself up for being the fat chic. I'm starting to think that might not be fair. Maybe seeing myself that way is what's keeping me motivated to finish this journey. Maybe this journey will never be finished. Its something I definitely don't have a grip on yet. Reset button aside, I do like my new jacket.

Moderation.

Moderation according to Merriam-Webster is: avoiding extremes of behavior or expression : observing reasonable limits.

I am a person that likes specifics. When I go to people for advice, I much prefer them to tell me exactly what to do, because left to my own devices I am a danger to myself and sometimes others. So, when the ever cliche dieting mantra of "everything in moderation" crops up I tend to cringe a little inside, if not outside as well. Moderation is not a specific measurement by any stretch of the imagination. But, I do feel like I am beginning to get a grip on its meaning. When it comes to eating, especially good food, the kind I personally prefer, I don't have much in the restraint department. I tend to test the limits of my stomach and down as much as I possibly can in a relatively short amount of time. As a side note, I think that is another fat kid trait, eating fast, like maybe so fast it isn't even happening, won't count 'cause it happened so fast. But, back to moderation. So, what happens if I don't test the limits of what I can hold? What if I slow down long enough for my stomach to tell me I am full? What if I incorporate other activities into my eating that will slow me down, like talking? Or if I am alone, reading? What if I pay closer attention to portion size? These are things I have been focusing on lately. Its not easy, its takes effort, and yes, its dumb that I have to be conscious of this every time I eat, but that is the cards that have dealt to me, its up to me as to how I want to play them. I pack my lunch 90% of the time. I prefer to take lunch for budget reasons, and more importantly for health ones. Contrary to the best decisions that you can make at fast food places, that food is not good for you and often times doesn't even qualify as food nutritionally speaking. Lately, I have two containers that I rotate for taking my lunch. They are perfectly sized to the volume that I should be eating. So, to make it easy for me to stay in control, if it doesn't fit in that container, it doesn't go in my mouth. Keep it simple. I have been on vacation this last week and am still managing to lose weight despite going out to dinner and having a few evenings of drinking. But, in true moderation fashion, I am not finishing my plate. Does it stink that others seem to be able to and maintain their lovely physiques, sure it does, but maybe they have six toes on one foot, or three nipples? Maybe their cat coughs up hairballs all over their house every night. Maybe they are color blind. I don't know their plights in life, controlling how much I eat is mine, could be worse. So, when I think I am full I push away, give it a minute, see where  I am at. Moderation. Last night we were served a delectable dessert. It was a warm, dense chocolate brownie filled with ganache and topped with pure unadulterated vanilla ice cream and a drizzle of carmel. Did I eat that? Did the eternal fat kid dare partake? You bet your hiney I did. It was sweet, rich, creamy, and divine. I ate less than half of it. I ate it slow, relished in the taste of it, and knowing that I was full from dinner, I pushed it away when my taste buds said, "hey, thanks for the treat, we're good!". Moderation.

Riddle me this, Batman???

Warning, there is graphic content in this post. I'm going to speak of underwear.

I'm under the assumption that the majority of my fat kid audience is of the female persuasion, if there are any guys out there, I apologize in advance for this post and you will just have to bear with me.

Riddle me this, Batman... Is there anything more dehumanizing on the planet than buying underwear (especially bras)??? I have still been parading around in underwear that fit me 119.2lbs ago, to be exact. Why? Because I hate, I HATE, buying underwear. As a matter of fact I am a terrible clothes shopper in general. Ask my friends. They will tell you that I never try anything on, never take anything back, and rarely have the guts to buy anything unless it is marked down no less than 75%. It wouldn't be any fun to get complimented on something if I couldn't shoot back with, "Thanks, $3 at Gordman's!!". Ridiculous. You know where you can't ever apply those shopping rules, underwear. Now the stuff I have been wearing is beyond done, size wise, and to be brutally honest, its function is nearly minimal. You can see through them and the only thing holding them up is my pants. If I happen to be wearing some of my fat pants, well, look out!! So, on my vacation to do list is:
[ ] Buy new underwear.
I have a box, it needs checked off. Since I had to hit the grocery store, I thought, well, heck, no time like the present. Here's the thing, I have no idea what size to get. Its not like the numbers match the same numbers as when you buy your pants, no, that would be entirely to easy. Nope. So here is what I am sure of. I don't need to buy the underwear that comes in the plastic bag of 6 pairs for the price of 4 and only comes in sizes large enough to wave the white flag at the enemy. I'm headed home to throw out that portion of my life as soon as I'm done here. So long, se la vi, hasta lasagna, see you at the dump!! But, am I an 8 (a number in pants that would have me jumping for joy), am I a 5 (too ridiculously small, who could be a 5??). Who knows?? Ha! So, I bought some, I guess we will see if they fit. If they are, let's say, too big, I'm sure I will wear them until the cows come home and I feel this shameful once again and have to buy new ones. If they are, let's say, too small, I will put them away in hopes of fitting them one day soon and then I guess I will go without for awhile because there is no doubt in my mind that I am tossing the old ones out, come hell or high water. If I get in a car accident, god help the EMT's. And, then, I purchased one bra. I currently sport the ultimate in comfort Genie bra because its comfortable and bras are weird. I'm lucky enough to be flat chested and big barrelled. There is no such thing as a pretty bra for that, I have searched high and low to find one. But, who knows, maybe this push-up bra with all the promises on the tag won't let me down, I have my doubts. But boy, oh, boy the promises. You know it is some woman, a trader no less, that writes those tags. She knows what we want to hear and knows exactly how to spin it. Adds two cup sizes (in pretty pink script)! Comfort wire (how did those two words EVER get smashed together). No back lines!! That is a personal favorite of mine. All my working out is beginning to make my back pretty toned, god bless push-ups, but put a regular bra on me and it back fat city!! So, there you have it, $75 later I have new underwear, a new bra (obviously a cheap one) and absolutely no self-esteem left.

I don't know my left from right.

I know I'm left handed, that's right, a southpaw. But if you asked me to turn left, good chance I might go right. You might be asking yourself what this has to do with weight loss??? This predicament is a hazardous side-effect of getting fit. That's right, exercise has made me dyslexic. Tony says right foot first, but if I don't mirror the video I get lost, so right means left for me. This could happen to you! Take heed of this warning, its very serious, they should put something on the box, just sayin.

Friends...

When your best friend, the one that would never lie to you, the one that isn't afraid to wrinkle her nose at you if you are wearing or doing something stupid, tells you that you look good, its a darn good feeling.

The coffee conspiracy.

There are going to be a large number of you that gasp when I tell you what I am about to tell you. Prepare yourself. I DON'T DRINK COFFEE. I never have, but I feel like I have good reason not to now. This is my take on coffee and what it does to/for you.

Coffee on its own probably isn't that bad. It is a stimulant and a diuretic. And for many a crutch. But, add all the things that people like to put in coffee and you not only have a calorie packed cup of joe, you have something that once you have some you have to keep having more. Back to our addiction discussion... 'member. If you opt for the calorie free additives, you are putting what I like to call "fake food" in your body and your digestive system has to decide how to deal with it. Often times that means recognizing it as sugar even if it isn't. So, here is what I observe about coffee drinkers. They get up in the morning and aren't fully awake until they have had their coffee, aka stimulant. So, here comes the non-dairy creamer and the fake sugar, or the real creamer and the real sugar. After that first cup wears off its still morning time, so they have another cup to get them through the morning. Spike that blood sugar and make use of that stimulant one more time. Often times this routine replaces breakfast. Their bodies are running off of pure chemical stimulus instead of a healthier fuel option. So, lunch rolls around and since all they have had is junk, often times that what they will crave at lunch. You eat junk, you want more junk, you eat healthy, you want more healthy. Simple. And since breakfast was out, your body thinks you have starved it and it will want to hang onto every bit of that junk you just fed it. Afternoon comes and the coffee drinkers crash. They either have to have more coffee or switch to food that will give them that same punch, i.e. candy bar, energy bar, or better yet an energy drink. Every time you come down from a high, you are gonna want/need something to pick you back up. I believe coffee perpetuates this cycle. There are studies out there that say it will help with weight loss, but that is just the short term effect of a diuretic. I am searching for long term, sustainable weight loss options. Just something to ponder over your morning cup of joe.

Officially off of my high horse now, thanks for tolerating my rant.

Kicking and screaming!

The most important nights (or mornings) to exercise are the ones you absolutely don't want to. I have had two of those nights in a row. I'm catching a bit of a cold, I'm pretending I'm not, but the sore throat, body aches, and headache don't lie. And, then of course there is the "I feel fat" pity party, a recipe for disaster in the exercise motivation department. But, I grabbed myself by the figurative ear and drug myself into my workout room kicking and screaming and got it done. I probably wasn't at full steam ahead, but I did it and I did feel better afterwards. I guess they don't lie about endorphins, whoever "they" is. If you can get through the workouts you absolutely don't want to do, the rest will seem like a cake walk! Did I just say cake?!?! What is wrong with me?

I feel fat!!

You ever have those days? Mine started last night. I have no rhyme or reason for it. I just plain feel fat. And not like I'm bloated fat, like I'm still 110lbs overweight FAT. I know I'm crazy. The scale says I'm fine. My clothes say I'm fine. But my head and my eyeballs are lying like a rug to me. I want to blame a lot of things on the cold right now, maybe its the cold? All I want to do is snuggle up on the couch with a giant bowl of popcorn and maybe some chicken tortilla soup, you know the one, that has fried tortilla strips and a giant dollop of sour cream, and watch John Wayne movies until the cows come home. Maybe throw in the occasional Catherine Heigl romantic comedy. I just gained 2 pounds typing the words "chicken tortilla soup".... Ooop, there's another 2... This could be manifesting itself because I am going on vacation this weekend and I'm going to see two friends. One hasn't seen me in two years, he's not going to give two nickels about what I look like, but I still had in my head I was going to be thinner by now than I am. The other hasn't seen me in 7 years. She isn't going to care what I look like either. But the last time she saw me I was tiny, like size 5/6 tiny. We all know that's not what I am right now. So, maybe that is it, just my insecurity turning my mirror into something you would walk through at the at the circus that morphs you into something you're not. I just wish mine would make me tall instead of making me feel fat...

So many choices, so little time.

DIETS: Atkins? Weight Watchers? Nutri-System? ACE? Hypnosis? Isagenix? Dexitrim? Slim-Fast? Juicing? HcG drops?
EXERCISE: Jillian Micheals? P90X? Long lost Denise Austin? TapOut XT? Insanity? Running? Hot Yoga? Gym rat? Racket ball? Intramural softball?

My goodness, so many options, it is overwhelming, and those lists are just a smidgen of what's out there. And here is a shocker, they all work. At least for a little while. The hard part is finding the one that works for you. I'm not trying to sway anyone one way or another for one simple reason, everyone is different. Just because something works for me doesn't mean by any stretch of the imagination that it is going to work for you. Today, however I would like to share with you what helped me shed 110lbs, and hopefully is going to help me get rid of the last 37.8lbs. How's that for a nice round number?? Round, haha, get it??

Last April I needed help, in a big way. I was 3 pounds short of being my heaviest and it was time for something drastic. About that time one of the gals at work shared juicing with me. She had seen a movie called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. The short and the long of it was this guy had juiced for 60 days. Take that in for a minute. 60 days. 8 weeks. Nothing but liquid vegetables and fruit... And water, lots of water. So, I said what the hey. Ok, I really said what the hell, but I'm trying to clean up my act. You are basically going raw/vegan for 60 days. Some pretty crazy things happen to your body. They said that the first thing would be your skin clearing and brightening (a glow if you will), check. Next, your lungs would begin to clear out all the garbage they had been storing, minor cold with coughing up some stuff, check. Finally, your liver and other organs would detox and be better able to process food again, check and check. I have no proof of the last one other than I feel three thousand times better than I have in a long time. I had a couple other interesting side effects. I started to sleep. Mind you, I haven't slept through the night in YEARS. All of a sudden I wasn't working myself over through the night. When you eat your way through an evening your body pays for it all night by trying to digest what you have ingested. It should be resting. So, in the morning you wake up feeling poopy, needing coffee, or sugar, or something, and thus starts the cycle all over again. Sleeping is a glorious thing. I don't know what I was doing without it!! During the 60 days I lost 68lbs. Crazy!! I'm sure some of that was muscle, a good portion was water, but a healthy portion was fat too. And, I felt ready to tackle the next phase.

Now, I juice twice a day, eat lunch and throw in a couple healthy snacks. Weekends depend on my social calendar. But more importantly, I exercise. I twist and torture my body until it responds, feels stronger, and sheds pounds. Some weeks are a win (aka loss), some weeks are a draw (aka stay the same), and occasionally there is a loss (aka gain). But I feel healthy. Really healthy. I don't put junk in my body. As a matter of fact very little, almost none of what goes in my mouth comes from a wrapper, bag or box. I equate those things to preservatives, added sugar, added fat, and any other non-food things that we accept as food. I am NOT a vegetarian. I am NOT an all organic eater. I am NOT gluten free. But by default I eat a lot of vegetables, some of the things I consume are organic, and I have become almost gluten free. The only rule I try to live by is to not over consume things I can't read, pronounce, or don't have to prepare in some way shape or form. I eat steak, chicken, fish, eggs, and the occasional cheese, but those things are no longer the majority of my diet. I don't take pills, I don't have to have anything shipped in, I keep it simple. Because my addle brain requires simple. The food I eat is tasty, just ask any of the people my family likes to feed, they can attest. Its not all low calorie, far from it, but it isn't junk either.

The bottom line is that my output is GREATER than my input. If you are looking for a secret weight loss equation, there it is. Move your body more than the calories you take in. That's it. Sorry to burst any bubbles. And, mind you, I am not an expert, just someone on a big weight loss journey sharing what I am learning along the way. If you want more information about juicing, eating right, exercising, etc., here are some websites that are handy for me.

jointhereboot.com
rebootwithjoe.com
tapoutxt.com
beachbody.com
Michi's Ladder This last one is a food guideline. If your diet consists mainly of the top two tiers, you have near perfect food consumption. Or so they say.

The moral of today's story is this... Find what works for you and give it enough time to work. Making or breaking habits takes time and effort. And, at the end of the day, you are doing both in order to accomplish this big ole task. No substitute for time... Or hard work... Or butter, I don't care what anyone says, there is no substitute for butter.

Speaking of addiction...

I come from a long line of people with addictive personalities. I won't go into any details and I can't tell you if it is due to genetics or environmental, but it is there none the less. My addictive personality has always manifested itself in the form of food. Ironic that the thing I am addicted to is also something I have to have in order to live. I mean, actually HAVE to have on a cellular level, not like I need to drink so I can cope, nope, I have to eat so I can live. But now I have to find out what I can and cannot eat and the appropriate amount to not only sustain life but also lose weight. And, not make me jump on the "bad" food wagon. Wowser. That ain't nothin. No cold turkey for me, nope, I have to take a little bit of my drug everyday and try not to trip my trigger in the process. To try and say this isn't fair would be silly. Life isn't about fair and unfair. If you try to live it that way you will be continually disappointed. It is however hard. There will be mistakes, like the fried chicken and jojo's I ate yesterday to combat my hangover, but, today I am shaking it off and getting after it again. I will get over it with a healthy diet today and a good workout tonight and I'm not going to punish myself into a depressed eating free-for-all. That's how I'm dealing with my addiction, how are you dealing with yours???

Hello, my name is Funny Fat Chic and I am an addict...

I am addicted to beef jerky... And popcorn... And cuties... And roasted nuts... And dill pickles... And cheese (thank God my lactose intolerance keeps that one in check)... And dried fruit of any kind... And hot wings (with blue cheese and beer)... And pan-fried swiss chard... And olives... And salsa, oooh the varieties of salsa (pico de gallo, chile, mango, roasted corn, just to name a few)... And carrots from the garden... And Mexican food, more specifically guacamole. As a matter of fact I can think of nothing better than death by chips and salsa and guacamole, actually, scratch the chips, just give me a spoon... And a bib!

Don't wrinkle your nose at me!!

Yoga. That's right I said it, YOGA! Don't wrinkle your nose at me over it. It is changing me in more ways than one. When I started this working out endeavour the days that were deemed as Yoga days I dreaded... I would even swap them out as rest days only to feel guilty and end up doing them on the weekends. Yoga, in my mind, was something weird, something only granola eating skinny chics with no muscle tone practiced. It had ohms and strange poses named after animals, that can't be right... Right? WRONG!!!

Yoga has been the most challenging and the most rewarding part of my workout. It does take up some time, which I know is a constraint for many. But the cool part about it is it will glaringly point out your weaknesses in three departments. First, you have to be strong to do Yoga. Holding some of those poses takes incredible upper body, lower body, and core strength. If you don't have that you can't do the poses, you fall down, whack your melon, bruise a hip, its ugly! Second, you have to be flexible to do this stuff. I'm getting more and more flexible all the time, thank goodness, because it makes the Yoga easier. I get muscle bound pretty fast when I lift weights, so maintaining flexibility is important, otherwise I can't tie my shoes, or raise my hands above my head, or reach far enough to slap someone silly. Finally, balance. This one is kinda awesome because it pertains not only to my physical balance, but my mental balance as well, which is always teetering like a table missing a leg. If you don't have some balance, once again, you will crash during Yoga, especially in half moon, or prayer twist, or royal dancer, haha, gotta love the Yoga names. But, if you do have physical balance but can't clear your mind while you are doing this stuff, you will crash anyways. If I am thinking about money, or being fat, or what that guy might be thinking, or work, or all of those at once, I can't hold crescent pose to save my life. So, when I am doing Yoga, all I think about is holding myself together, putting my energy into my hands, my stomach, my legs, where ever it is needed. Wild, right?

That is what Yoga is doing for me, its not making me crave granola or having me want to turn my hair to dread locks, nope, no less than once a week it makes me clear my mind and breathe, and sweat, and breathe, and sweat...

My body is a temple...

My body is a temple... Actually, mine is more like a shack down by the river, but a shack I would like to keep standing for as long as I can none-the-less. How many times have you heard a fitness or nutrition nut say those words, "My body is a temple"? Its an all inclusive statement that basically means they not only worship themselves, but they would never dare to put any garbage in their temple and they keep their temple in great shape by working it out on a regular basis. Its also generally used as a judgemental statement because most of the times that you hear that phrase is when you are about to do something bad to your own body, like eat a donut, these people mention it in passing as if to say I would NEVER do to my body what you are about to do to yours.

Here's what I think. You have to take care of yourself. No doubt about it. But, you also have to be human. If you don't act human on occasion one of two things will happen. A) You will fall off of whatever wagon you are riding, and hard. B) You will become one of those people that say things like, "My body is a temple". Nobody likes those people, they are presumptuous, judgemental, and have some great underlying insecurities somewhere that they are covering up like a cat covers up crap.

Allow yourself to "eat" socially, have a drink now and again, miss a workout if you are incredibly busy. Its ok. Think of it in percentages... Be amazing 85% of the time, don't cheat, workout, do the thing. Be a beautifully flawed human 15% of the time. Everything in moderation (a lovely non-specific term left open for way too much interpretation), or so they say. Take care of your shack down by the river so that you can enjoy the view for as long as possible, just make sure you do enjoy the view from time to time!!

Perception.

A funny thing happens when you get down to a particular size, or more like a certain "look", people treat you differently. And when I say people, I mean people that aren't fat. Now, don't take this as a finger pointing, hear me out and read the whole thing. All of a sudden you are included in conversations about activities, you know, the active things that people do on the weekends like hike, ski, play big kid softball. Before you were never included because they figured, you're fat, I'm sure you're not interested. I for one have always been interested, fat or not. People start to open doors for you. Its like before, they were thinking, hey, do something fat person, you can at least open a door. If you are a girl, guys start to flirt with you. Ranging from innocent at work flirting to getting hit on at the bar, its all flirting that wasn't happening x-amount of pounds ago. The list goes on, and none of this is extreme prejudice, I'm not trying to lump fat people into their own segregated, oppressed group. Just saying, there is a difference.

So, my question is this... Are people treating me different because of how they view me, or because of how I view myself??? Here's the thing... When I am fat and miserable, yes, the two go hand in hand, I don't take very good care of myself. I'd often skip washing my face at night. I could give two s*^#s about what my nails look like. I'd eat garbage and feel like garbage. I wouldn't worry about things like posture or make any effort to have it. I'd dress like a guy because those clothes are easy to hide in. I'd look in the mirror and absolutely hate myself and the look on my face, the same look I'm sure everyone around me saw all day long. When I am thinner, I take MUCH better care of myself. I never miss washing my face. I get my nails done, because I like them pretty. I wear clothes that fit better (at least half of the time :)) and walk a little straighter. I look people in the eye. I say please, and thank you, with a smile, and mean it. I'm not constantly thinking, "what are they thinking about me?". I am in the activities conversations because I am actually DOING the activities.

If we walk around pointing a finger at people and thinking that they are treating us badly or differently all the time it only builds the negative persona. Stop and think if they are treating you different because they are actually big ole jerks or are they just reflecting what you are feeling about yourself?? Worth the ponder. And, if you are at the beginning of your weight loss journey, don't wait until you are x-amount of pounds light to start treating yourself better. Take care of yourself now and you will be amazed at how much better you will feel and how people will respond to that!!

Eat a cheeseburger...

I don't know what its like where you are, but it has been relatively cold where I am at. Like single or minus digits kinda cold. Plus snow. Plus ice. And, while I still have plenty of insulation I am packing around, its not near as much as I used to. So, now, when I get cold I seem to stay that way for a loooooong time.

One of my bestest, funniest, and dearest friends has a saying that is applicable in this scenario. If she ever sees a girl that is shivering because she is nothing but skin and bones, or one that has trouble lifting anything over 5lbs because the muscle mass just isn't there, she serves up no pity, not an ounce of sympathy. Nope, she simply says, "that girl needs to eat a cheeseburger". Funny. Oh, so funny. But, all I really want (and possibly need) is a cheeseburger right now. One with blue cheese in the middle, stacked with bacon, and spicy mayo. Tomato, lettuce... Some ciabatta type of bun. Maybe some sweet potato fries on the side. Lord help me!

Fat Kid Vocabulary

Terms and phrases frequently uttered by and/or used to describe Eternal Fat Kids:

Sturdy: A seemingly non-offensive way to describe a person of extra size. Used by skinny people aware of the sensitive nature of eternal fat kids in attempt to accurately describe a fat kid to their face without getting "the look". Synonyms: Husky, big-boned. I have been called all of these at various points in my life. All are just as offensive as calling me a fat-ass, so if you are gonna describe me to my face feel free to go for the gold.

Double-dipped: The act of making any dipped food doubly awesome. If doing something once makes food tastes better, then by-golly doing it twice is nothing short of spectacular. Ex. Double-dipped hot wings (they batter, fry, dip, and then repeat), double dipped chocolate anything, double stuffed Oreos, twice baked potatoes, you get the picture. As a side note, double dipping anything is probably a fast track to doubling the calories as well, just sayin'.

Hangry: A primal state of hunger so extreme that evokes the emotional reaction of anger. If you encounter a hangry eternal fat kid stay out of their way!! Especially if you are a skinny person with food in your hand. These kids are likely to be sharp tongued at the very least and have the potential to be violent if provoked. If anything, FEED THE BEAR. As an eternal fat kid, I try not to let myself get to the point of hangry. Not easy when you are getting back on the wagon!!

Foodie: A sophisticated way to say fat person with discriminating tastes. Sounds better by societies standards than fat-guy/gal who likes good eats.

Super-sized: An option at all fast food places in one form or another (foot-long, make it big, route 44, grande, etc.) that unless you are a professional athlete, will contain more calories than you could hope to burn in a week. Also, the only option an eternal fat kid seems to be able to read on the menu. I spent a good portion of my life falling victim to the super-size. Speaking financially it is more bang for your buck, speaking health-wise it is a death sentence.

Food Baby: The feeling of having a full-term baby in your stomach after consuming a large amount of food. Usually experienced post-binge. If I had the same number of actual children as the number of food babies I have experienced, Octo-Mom would have nothing on me.

Food Coma: The 4 hour nap that likely follows a a large meal or in most cases, a binge. Due to the blood leaving your brain in order to help out your crying for help digestive system. Side affect include inability to concentrate or hold a normal conversation, physically move, and eventual unconsciousness. Usually accompanies a food baby and a sense of hunger when you come out of it.

You're not gonna believe this!

I'm about to tell you something no woman should ever tell anyone. Or at least something that women never do seem to divulge. Its gonna be good news, which this blog is due for after my "bad night" routine. Here goes nothin...

I'm a size 12!!! Now mind you this is a far cry from the smallest I've ever been, I used to be a 6, I have the pants to prove it. But, considering where I started, this feels oddly normal.

Here's how this came about. I'm going on vacation in a couple weeks and my pants look like I am trying out to get into a local gang, a little thug-ish for my style. But, at the very depths of my soul, I am a cheap ass, so by golly I'm gonna get my money's worth. That, and I like people telling me my pants are getting big. Sick, I know. Today, however, I had a coupon for a local clothing store that I like to buy jeans at. So, off I went. Now, I NEVER try stuff on at the store. Something inside me has decided it is weird and humiliating, and I would rather be humiliated at home. I estimated in 2 weeks I should be able to squeeze my fat arse into some 12's. I found 2 pairs that were lacking in bling, I am so over the bling, and I took them home. After my evening activities, I did the unthinkable, I tried on my pants, 2 weeks early, and they fit. Not just fit, because fit to me means I can lay on the bed, suck it in, say a prayer, and use a coat hanger to get the zipper up. Nope, these babies slid right on with me vertical, zipped right up, and didn't create any additional fat rolls.

I always want to hold the people's heads under water that say "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels". But today, albeit I'm a far cry from skinny, it felt pretty darn good.

I had a bad night.

I ate popcorn. And two pickles. On a caloric scale those aren't the worst cheats in the world, just loaded with sodium. But, that isn't the point, is it. I am supposed to be juicing these next two weeks to reboot my system from the holidays. Last week was hugely successful, I lost weight, I feel better, my skin looks better, win win win. But this week is harder. So, it is time to ask myself why???

My initial, lying to myself, gut reaction is its cold outside, I'm working out, and darn it I need the calories to fuel myself and stay warm. Why there may be some truth to that, those are not the reasons I ate. What the true bottom line is I'm bored. My work has slowed down and isn't stimulating my non-stop, ever active brain waves... Or, my newly energized body. When I am bored it gives me the time to have all kinds of arguments with myself and plenty of time to pick myself apart. So, yesterday, that is exactly what I did. The exercise thing has a lot to do with it. When I exercise I do legitimately feel better, but it also brings to light the 37lbs that are still hanging grotesquely off of my body. I don't like seeing my stomach hang down when I do push-ups or have it in the way for 7 of the 11 ab moves on the video. Its ugly, floppy, and feels foreign on me now. Strike one. For those of you that didn't know, I am single. Which, let me tell you is SUPER FUN....Pfffft.... Fart noise.... She says dripping with sarcasm and disdain. Recently, I have been chatting via the Internet and text with a guy I used to work with a long time ago. From the advent of social media we struck up a conversation. It has been totally casual so far, but there is the possibility that we are going to meet up soon. I am not ready, at least not physically. I still don't feel like I look date night worthy. Crazy, shallow, doesn't matter, I know. But, its how I feel. All my friends would tell me to "shut up", "you look great", "if he doesn't like you for you, he isn't worth it". They are probably right, but in the back of my mind I have these nagging thoughts of arm flab and my loose, floppy stomach. Strike two. I also think I am afraid of success. I'm getting close to my goal. That is a scary thought, very scary. I know 37lbs is still a lot of weight, but when you compare it to 107, its a drop in the hat. The scary part about accomplishing that is that it might actually be life changing. I might actually feel worthy to date someone. I might go do things I have been embarrassed to go do, like learn to swim. I might get comfortable in my own skin and not obsess constantly about what I am putting in my mouth and how it compares to how much energy I have expended. It might actually change my life, and that is scary. Strike three. So, enter the popcorn and pickles. Thank God there was nothing else to eat in my house, I might have demolished it too. I did still exercise, but that feels like a shameful win.

Today, is a new day. I'm gonna work on NOT beating myself up and NOT worrying about things I can't control. I'm going to try to keep myself busier. Wish me luck!! I'll do the same for you.

Exercise. It's a love hate thing.

I never feel so awful as I do the hour before I exercise. I spend that hour trying to rationalize reasons as to why I don't have to do it today and how I will make it up tomorrow, as if you can make up not exercising. I tell myself I don't want to change my clothes for the third time today. I'm a little sore, my body needs a break. I've been good for so long, I deserve a break. And, finally, the old stand by me, I've been working so hard, I'm tired, I'm gonna rest (aka couch potato up and eat popcorn). I drag my feet, begrudgingly put on my workout clothes, and finally more times than not, I get down to business.

I never feel so amazing as I do the hour after I exercise. I'm energized, I feel like I've sweated out some bad stuff, my mood improves, and I feel ready to tackle anything. I mean geez, if I can do a one arm push-up why can't I breeze through everyday life. My mind is clear, my blood is pumping, and I actually do feel stronger, faster, more agile. Wow, all that in just an hour of moving my hiney around.

All you exercise fanatics can just agree to disagree with me about the hate part of exercising. I don't know why I dread the actual act of organized exercise. And, I'm not talking about a nice walk/jog outside, or a playful game of softball, or a hike in the great outdoors, or a little Nordic skiing (all things I enjoy). I'm talking about grueling cardio, carefully planned and targeted weight training, and... wait for it... yoga. These are the things that will actually change the look of your body and its abilities. These are the things I dread. And, put these things inside of a gym and you might as well just color me non-complacent, 'cause I ain't going. Even if my look good is lookin good, there's always the chronic gym goers that are as dedicated to working out as they are their jobs or marriages, sometimes more dedicated, and they will inadvertently make me feel like a doughy slob.

I have what you might call a compact frame, I put on muscle relatively easily. Which sounds like a good thing, right? It translates into having man size guns on my arms and speed skater looking thighs. Awesome stuff for a chic. But, if that's what it takes to get rid of the fat, I have resigned to my fate. The truth of the matter is, even when I have my "fit" on, and my muscles are just a little too large, I still feel a thousand times better than if I am fat or if I am a skinny fat person. A what? A skinny fat person? This is a term coined by a friend of mine that applies to people that are thin, slender, etc, but couldn't run to the mailbox or lift a gallon of milk without physical exhaustion.  I can only be a skinny fat person if I use nutrition exclusively to control my weight and don't exercise at all. I don't like being a skinny fat person, it doesn't have the psychological effects that being fit does. So, here I am, a ball of contradiction, and still battling with my exercise program. Things are changing shape on me, flattening where they are supposed to be (except for that one tenacious fat roll above my belly button), getting round and hard where they are supposed to be, I have more air in my lungs, and a better outlook on life in general. I still dread that hour before I drag on my yoga pants, but as long I keep pushing past that I should continue to see results. I hate that that is how it works, working = results, but there is no two ways about it. I also hate the fact that exercise makes me HUNGRY, like tackle and eat a cow raw kind of hungry. But, at least that hunger is derived from a better place than my run of the mill, average, emotional hunger, same cow, different reason.

Here is a list (a very short list) of my personally tested and approved exercise programs:

Tapout XT- This is a MMA based exercise routine that is nothing short of a powerhouse of a workout. It is 90 days long and has 12 different workouts. The leader (Mike) is very encouraging and keeps you so busy and changes things fast enough that you cannot possibly get bored. You get to punch, kick, push-up, knee strike, and get busy with bands. They are releasing Tapout XT2 in the next month which I will be purchasing for sure. Available at tapoutxt.com.

P90X- This is another 90 program, probably one you have heard of. Tony Horton knows his stuff. I don't find this program as fun as Tapout XT, but it is more focal. It will test your strength and flexibility the most, or at least it does for me. This is where I dread Yoga, but I promise it has drastically changed my flexibility and core strength more than anything else I have ever done. I've previously done P90, P90X is a BIG step up. This program also provides you the opportunity to buy supplemental videos once you complete the program so you can continue on if you so choose. Available at beachbody.com.

So, there is the short and the long of my take on exercise. Take it as you will. But most importantly, find something that you like to do because otherwise you won't stay with it. Or, at least you won't if you are a exercise lover/hater like me.

Facebook... You know, the social media thing...

As if you haven't "liked" enough stuff already... Next time you jump on Facebook go "LIKE" The Final Fifty. There will be some of my quick random thoughts, links to new blog posts, and potential upcoming giveaways if I get enough fans.

Happy New Year's... 2013 a brand new year, or is it?

Welcome to 2013! Know what I'm gonna do this year??? I'm not making any resolutions. Here's the thing, I never keep them. Loser. They are always about losing weight, getting in shape, and gaining all the great things that come with being one of "the pretty skinny people". I know that is painted with a smidgen of cynicism, but here's a surprise, I'm a bit of a cynic.

So, here is my skinny on New Year's resolutions. They basically boil down to unrealistic goals that if go unmet equate to a failure for the year and a waiting game until next New Year's so we can do it all over again. That's why I started my holiday regroup before the 1st. If you want to get healthy, or skinny, or strong enough to do one arm push-ups, then do it. Make realistic goals, work your butt off, and get results. But don't kid yourself into thinking something magical happened when that ball dropped last night that's gonna give you an undying will to succeed, you still have to do the work, sucks, I know. Obtaining your goals IS rewarding, setting unrealistic goals and not meeting them is devastating.

Forge ahead and know that I am forging with you. Happy 2013!!!