I came unraveled. It started with me hauling 30 cases of wine upstairs at my winery job. I was feeling strong and spry so I figured no big deal, I won't be bored, and it is extra exercise. Bonus. By the end I could feel the nerves firing off in my lower back. I ignored them and decided all my recent fitness would prevent me from having an episode. Then, I noticed that my super cute tunic that I had on had snagged on something at my left shoulder and was slowly unraveling. No Bueno. It was a really cute, made me feel pretty kind of shirt. Every girl needs one of those. Every girl need ten of those. By the time I left work my back was super tight and it was creeping up into a mild headache. I still ignored it. I had chores to do and 15 minutes to get to Bunco. I raced home, pulled off my damaged shirt and tried to find something else to wear without having to change everything. I had on some jeggings and cowboy boots. Last month I couldn't wear the jeggings. They fit just fine now, but they aren't so big that I can pull them up over my middle roll to hide it like I can all my other leggings and jeans. So, every dang shirt I put on proudly highlighted my middle roll. Which in my mind, should be non-existent by now. This whole scene rapidly downward spiraled into me thinking that I have not lost a single ounce and I am going to be a big ole cow for the rest of eternity. Not the greatest mindset before you head to a social outing with a bunch of adorable house wives. I finally threw on a trusty grey sweater and raced out the door. I was a grumpy a-hole at Bunco and I had no right to be. It wasn't my friends fault that my back was firing off and I was having a low self-esteem pity party. It wasn't their fault that in one short afternoon I had come unraveled. In the back of my mind I knew this and it was just making me beat myself up even more. After sitting for three hours at Bunco, I could barely stand up all the way straight to race myself back out to the car. I went home, finally conceded that I needed some anti-inflammatories and proceeded to curl up on the couch in the fetal position, the only thing that offered some relief.
Today, I ache all over. My back is super pissed at me. I'm not incapacitated by any means, but it feels like a time bomb. I'm sure some of it is from the extra I added to my workout yesterday morning. I'll try and be positive for a minute. I have this great book that is full of resistance training and has workouts put together in the back. I have decided to add these in a few times a week. Most of them hover around 15-20 minutes if you hustle, and you can do them anywhere. I take the book with me when I travel. It's great, really! Mentally I am struggling with the fact that it took next to nothing for me to decide that all the work I have done has been for nothing. The reality is, I am I between sizes. What this means is that all the clothes I have been wearing look frumpy on me because they are too big and all of the clothes that are the next size down are too tight or don't hide the things I hate about myself. It is another case of my insides not matching my outside. In my mind, I have worked hard enough that that middle spare tire should not be an issue. It is an issue. It piles up when I sit on the floor in yoga. It keeps my arms from being able to hang straight next to my body. It is the first thing that I look for in the mirror. It has the power to make me not want to leave the house. I'm sure it contributes to my intermittent back issues. It makes me so mad/sad that it just takes a few small things to unravel me into a negative attitude. I am working hard. I am trying hard. I am doing everything I can to get healthier. That isn't fair to me to downplay what I have done because I'm not where I want to be when I want to be there. Not fair at all. Why are we soooo hard on ourselves? What has ingrained that mentality into us? We would never pick someone else apart like we do ourselves. Never. We should be celebrating each milestone, not complaining that we aren't at the destination. That's where I am trying to get my head at today. For some reason it is so much easier to think negatively than it is to pick yourself back up.
I did workout today. I did T25 only. I modified anything that I thought would put me into a full on back-isode. I'm sure it wasn't an earth shattering, change creating workout for me, but it was better than doing nothing, that I know for sure. My back did loosen up a little during the workout, so I'm gonna take that to be a good sign. Tomorrow is double day, so I better get my head right and be ready to roll on. More power to you if you are havin a hard day. I obviously have them too. No one is immune to them. It is just important to get through them with the least amount of collateral damage and get right back after it. Chin up, Funny Fat Chic, tomorrow is a new day.
In other news, every waking minute I have been in my car over the past two days has been spent picking little bits of wax out of my nose. Still TOTALLY worth it.
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