It's Been Awhile

{enter guitar intro from Staind) It's been awhile since I could hold my head up high...

Hey Final Fifty gang! Long time no talkie (or more appropriately, write/read). Life has been busy. Life has been crazy. Life has been A-MAZING. Life has been very adulty. Life has been.... Well, life. Let's do a quick catch up and then we will get to the meat and potatoes (my God, everything is food related, isn't it?) of why I'm touching base again.

Last year can be summed up in two words... Love and Running. I ran a lot of races. I covered a lot of ground. I saw some beautiful country. I won a few. It was pretty cool, until it wasn't (more on that in a minute). In other news, not to bury the lead, I fell in L. O. V. E. love. Brace yourselves for a few lovey dovey cliches... This man is NOT perfect, but he IS perfect for me. He falls in the same category of "I love Jesus, but I cuss a little" as I do. We both drink whiskey ditches. He is as addicted to popcorn as much as I am. He is honorable, strong in mind and body, thinks I'm beautiful especially when I don't, is calm when I'm crazy, impulsive when I'm feeling adventurous, and brings me peace of mind and soothes my soul while simultaneously making me weak in the knees. He has three amazing kids that I am also falling in love with. We have bought a house together and things are GREAT. Don't get me wrong there is plenty of adulty suckiness that all grown-up relationships have to endure, but we seem to endure it pretty well together. Exibit A, he lives 10 hours away in Montana.

Why am I resurfacing? So, here is the thing. I am super great at being here when I need a therapeutic release. When things are really clicking and I'm feeling great, I kinda bail on you guys. Sorry about that. But, that is life, right? Here's the other thing... I have a person in my life that I has the same qualities that you guys have. He is understanding and listens, and doesn't judge. He is my person. I have a few other people that are my person's too, but sometimes it is hard to want to burden them with my trivial prater. They have real life adult issues too. At least here you guys don't have to read if you don't want to and I can fling this out in the universe and feel like I have unloaded. But now there is this human that I want to have know the nitty-gritty about me and while he isn't legally bound to listen yet, on a spiritual level, he is obligated. But, and there is always a but, there is one thing that I hold back on. This is shallow. This is something that no one should feel about themselves. That makes it no less real, and I'm certain that it is true for others as well.

I struggled with whether I should explain this chronologically or cut to the chase and rewind. The same issue screen writers have when cranking out romantic sitcoms or the next big screen drama (flashback or real time). Let's do real time. I am chuck full of self-loathing and fear right now. Rewind... I injured my foot during a trail race last October and continued to run on a stress fracture through a half-marathon in November which resulted in me being able to barely walk afterwards (hence when running became not fun). During and since I have had a HUGE flair up in plantar fasciitis that has taken me from running 50 miles a week to barely being able to squeak out 3.5 miles every other day, to no miles the past 3 weeks. My mind and body are suffering. I have put 25 lbs back on and feel (and look) like a cow. Moooooooooooo. I have $1,200 orthodics that haven't done a damn thing for me. I have rollers and pain creams, and... and... and. My eating has been ok. A little sugar has entered back in my life and my portions are a little too big. I'm still lifting and going to cross fit. I love both those things, but I have regressed a little there too. Between the time spent burning up the highway to MT, the injury, and the big fat pile of excuses I am accumulating, I am not getting it done like I was. Right down to I tried to go join a new gym yesterday (my adorable trainer gal JUST had her baby) but when I went they were closed during hours they had posted as open. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. The self-loathing is on a whole new level now too. Here's what I am ashamed to be ashamed about... My guy, he looks like Thor minus the hammer add a cowboy hat. He has never had a fat day in his life. He is tall and drop dead gorgeous. Food isn't an issue for him. I question whether or not he is human on a regular basis. I didn't mention this before because it is just a part of him, the outside part, not the important parts that I fell for. But, and there is always a but, I don't think I am pretty enough for him. And that is all on me. He would NEVER let me think anything like this. As an eternal fat kid I have full ability to hate myself in the face of someone else's unconditional acceptance of me. This extra weight I have thrown on makes me think what is this Adonis doing with the short fat chick??? Do people think that when they see us walking along hand in hand? I am in the worst shape I have been in two years and I am so afraid of backsliding more that I am torturing myself. And then rewarding myself. And then torturing myself. It's an awesome cycle. NOT. So, I need to off load this somewhere. I ABSOLUTELY don't want him to feel like he makes me feel this way, because he doesn't. I do it to myself. I'm independent and handy like that.

Set of fears number 2. I am still plugging away at grad school and accounting classes. The more I get done and the closer I get to the end, the more I fear that it will be for not. Am I going into this student debt (debt being a bad word to me that makes me feel like there is an elephant on my chest), putting in all these hours, sacrificing so much to end up being the same bookkeeper that I am now. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job and who I work for, but I am trying to be a better version of me and I don't feel like I am getting it done right now and I fear I am not gonna get it done in the future. That is a BIG fear.

So, I have been praying. A lot. I have had a better relationship with God in the past year than I have had in a very long time. Much of that can be attributed to cowboy Thor. He reminded me that God is full of grace and worth sharing. We share a devotion and our faith daily. I know I need to trust God and His timing and be SOOOOOOOO thankful for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me. And I am, truly. But, and there is always a but, patience has never been one of my redeeming qualities. And I am certain that my faith and strength for others is enough to inspire the devil take up a residence and keep me from having that same strength for myself. I'm working on it. And I am going to start working on it out here in the open again and quit hiding and pretending it isn't happening. Transparency is always better than secrets. Confessions are always cleansing, maybe not green-juice cleansing clean, but cleansing none-the-less. Strength in numbers. Thank you for listening. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for knowing that I needed to unload and that I am not seeking sympathy. Thank you for being my numbers.

Grief... It's a process

Long time no talk. At least not talk in the sense that you read my ramblings instead of the pointed and meaningful memes that I post on The Final Fifty FB page. Here is your disclaimer for today: This post contains some sad content. It may speak to you on a different level than just the "I feel fat" level. There will be some hints of the same old sarcastic humor sprinkled throughout, but it will mostly involve real life feelings.

I know I have mentioned a few times on here about my grandmother (I call her Gram) battling cancer for the second time in her life this past year. It relates to health and weight loss in few ways and we'll get into that in a minute. Gram lost her battle in the wee hours of the morning on May 20th, just over a week ago. She passed away in her home. My mom was with her. At that point we were taking "nursing" shifts and I was at home struggling to get some sleep. A pointless task. I regret not being at her side when she crossed over, but I think in the big scheme of things she knew that I had been there all along.

This past week has been filled with all kinds of activity for me. As Gram's POA (Power of Attorney, some of you may have known what those letters stood for, they were new to me when this whole started) and executor, I have had some big decisions to make in the past couple weeks and I'm sure more to come. To say my stress level was getting a little high might be a gross understatement. I had to make life and death decisions for another person. Let me tell you, that puts some things into perspective. I don't know how long my new found priorities will last, but I hope the lessons that I take from Gram's life and her death stay with me for a good long while.

Last night was her Celebration of Life BBQ. She didn't want a funeral service. This didn't surprise me, it just wasn't her style. But she did love to see my Mom and I entertain people and feed them good food. So, that is exactly what we did. It was an impeccable spread, even by our standards, if I do say so myself. The people that came and showed their love and support for us and for her were amazing. You find out who truly cares for you in times of turmoil, and last night we were blessed to be surrounded by some A-MAZING people. Strong people. Giving people. And they all show it a little bit differently. I am so grateful for EACH and EVERY one of them.

I have been worried about the process of grief this past week. I'm the type of person that has a schedule and keeps to it because that is how I survive. I keep myself extremely busy because I operate better that way, but that means that I have to stay organized about life. So what is the schedule for grief?? Shouldn't I be crying more? Shouldn't I be more angry? Shouldn't I be stress eating my way through every day? I have been worried that because I haven't cried much at all that I don't feel bad about Gram's death. Part of me doesn't feel bad. Bare with me here. At the end, the cancer had taken away her mind and her ability to communicate. The only sounds that came from her were those of pain, no words, just painful moans. Do I feel bad that she is no longer in that pain? Hell no. As much as I would love to have her on this Earth with me, I don't want it if she has to be the condition she was in at her passing. I know in my heart that she is in a better place, and for that I am thankful. I don't feel bad about that. I also don't feel bad that my Mom and I are not watching her go through that anymore. I am glad that I was here and that I was able to care for her in her last days, and for the last year for that matter. But, it is taxing on a person to watch and help a loved one through something like that. She suffered from a condition called hepatic encephalopathy at the end. Basically your liver stops filtering ammonia and the build up is essentially poison that makes your brain go crazy. You say and do things that you have no control over. The last words that she ever spoke to me were hateful because that was the trick that her brain was playing on her. She no longer wanted to take her medicine, and she was determined to fight me on it. I have to believe that she did NOT feel that way about me and it was just an ugly side effect of what she was going through. But, I wonder if that is connected to why I haven't cried very much? Am I hurt on some level about that? Last night I stood up when it was time to serve dessert and said a few words to the people that joined us in Gram's celebration. I welled up. I felt the love. It may not be that I haven't wanted to cry, I just might not be there yet. I haven't gotten to that part of my process. Maybe I just haven't let myself. Handling all the things I have been handling hasn't necessarily given me the time to stop and let go at all. Maybe that is one of the lessons that I need to learn. Grief doesn't have a schedule. It is different for everyone. My grief might not look like my Mom's. It might not look like anyone else's. It is mine and it will happen on its own sweet time.

So, let's tie this in to our theme. My ability to cope through the past couple of weeks has stemmed on two things:

1) The support of my friends and family. And friends that I consider to be family. Without some of them to tell me I was doing ok, that I was doing the right things, and to offer up just to be there for me, there is good chance I would have lost my shit. Sorry for the profanity, but that is the truth. There were a couple in particular that were quick to remind me that my strength came from trusting God and HIS plan and HIS timing. I have to say that they could not have been more right. We were so blessed that Gram didn't have to suffer any longer than she did. We were so blessed that several things have worked out the way that they have. Right down to the funeral home that I selected being a PERFECT fit for us. God is good. And he was good enough to send me some special messengers.

2) Running. If I ever felt myself losing my grip on reality, I went for a run. I didn't grab the closest thing I could eat. I didn't drink to dullness with the rest of my family. I found an appropriate space in time and I let my feet hit the pavement repeatedly until I firmly had a grip on reality again. Running is my sanctuary now. Running is when I clear my head and talk to God. Running pumps my blood, works my lungs, and fills my heart. At the end of a run I feel the best I ever feel. I am so very grateful for finding a coping mechanism that builds me up instead of destroying my body and my mind. Hello healthy! It is my new way to deal with life. The day after Gram passed I ran my fastest half marathon to date. I was drained physically and emotionally before the race even started but all the training I have done carried me through. One of my best friends on the planet has always told me "there is no substitute for time." How right he is. He is usually talking about training horses, but as it turns out, cowboy logic is applicable to all faucets of life.

For now, I am going to proceed forward one day and one thing at a time. I am going to keep tackling things as they come. I am going to keep eating clean and running. I am going to indulge when it is warranted. I am going to do my best to take care of myself... And my Mom... And my friends... Because that is who I am and no amount of grief should stop any of that. I will go get my nails done tomorrow. And meet a bride at her venue to plan her wedding pictures. And travel to Canada for a mini-vacation on Wednesday. Because life goes on regardless of grief. Life is for the living, and I plan to live. I dearly hope that Gram enjoys watching from above.

Am I for reals?

I got up extra early this morning. I do every Thursday because I have to eat breakfast super early before my long run of the week. Thursdays are long run days and the way I fit them in my schedule is to run at dawn. When I got suited up for my run (see pictures below) I thought, I should take a picture. It's been awhile since I've done a check-in picture over at The Final Fifty. When I looked at the picture the thought actually crossed my mind that I am a poser. I'm not a real runner, why should I have all this running gear. I shrugged it off and went and ran 11 miles and knocked 20 seconds off my pace time up the big nasty hill. So why the heck do I still feel like I'm not a runner? I have two theories...

1) I haven't run a marathon nor do I look like a marathoner. I have some half marathons scheduled. I don't know if a full one is in the cards for me or not. As hard as my last two miles were this morning, I might tell you no. Is running a marathon a defining characteristic of a runner? And what does a marathoner look like? Does a person that can run a 7min mile consistently look a certain way? I think they look like gazelles, graceful and lithe, not muscle bound and square like myself with a lingering gut and thighs that Queen wrote a song about (fat bottomed girls make the world go round). The answer is probably no to both of those questions, but obviously I have some preconceived notions in my head that needs to be beat down with a stick. In the past month I have taken almost a minute off my pace time and I hit new distance PRs all the time. I vary my training and eating to suit my running program. I lift weights to keep myself sound enough to be able to run. I forgo other things (like riding horses) in my life so my feet can hit the pavement. Are those things that a runner does? 

2) On some level I never feel like I belong where I'm at. I'm a black sheep in a lot of aspects of my life. A fun black sheep, but a black sheep none-the-less. When I was obese that was the easy reason to point at. There was an extra 150 pounds hanging off of me that made a physical and psycological barrier between me and the world and me and the things I wanted. That's gone now. Or at least most of it is. So what's my excuse? There has to be some defect in my ability to process that I have worked hard to be the things I am now and I have earned the titles of good student, good person, good friend, runner, beautiful (I'll probably never buy into that one), etc. I hear these things from other people and I want to believe them but in the back of my mind I think they are just being nice. I write it off as being a realist. They reality is, even though the weight is gone, the walls it built are still there. That's the thing, insecurity doesn't go away just because you say it does. 

Now what? I'm aware of it. So how I am gonna deal with it. Gracefully, I hope. Try to start an inner monologue that combats those insecurities. Try and be aware of my worth and the worth of the work I've done. Tells others they have great worth. You are who you are. If you are wearing out one pair of running shoes a month, by God, you are a runner. If you are reading this, you are beautiful. I am for real.... So are you. 

Here's me in all my reality. My crazy hair. My monster thighs. My lingering belly. My calves that barely fit wide calf boots. This body isn't perfect, but it is strong, it is real, and it carries me through life. Here's to taking care of it inside and out!

 

A Tuesday List

I don't know about you guys but I already feel like it is Friday. This week has been eventful enough for a whole month for me and it's only Tuesday. So, hey, let's celebrate with a list:

1) There are several things that you see when you jog in a small town:

• stray dogs getting it on at the American Legion Hall
• chickens that didn't quite make it across the road
• almost every person you know that lives in town
• strange looks from most people that can't understand why you would run when there are such things as moving vehicles to get you from one place to another

2) I have had three first in my running this week:

• I got bit by a dog and have a nasty bruise and it broke the skin. I am now carrying a stun gun when I run that route. 
• I ran an 8 min mile the last mile of my five mile run yesterday. Pace PR.
• I ran 9.66 miles today. Distance PR. 

3) I have been wanting to do something drastic. This happens to me in the winter when I start to feel like a caged animal. I was thinking about cutting off all my hair that I have worked so hard to grow out. I made a command decision that I cannot have short hair until I am rich/brave/ridiculous enough to get fake boobs. I'm not feminine enough otherwise to pull off a short hair cut. 

4) I have not lost any weight in three weeks and it is kinda pissing me off. Here is me breaking my "the scale doesn't matter" rule. But I have been busting my ass and I'm feeling a little ripped off. I need to go back and read #2 again. 

5) The college I am doing my MBA at was just named the most prestigious college in Idaho. This might be the first time EVER in my life that the word prestigious and anything related to me has landed in the same sentence. 

6) I have gotten involved with one of my communities oldest fundraisers that is an emergency fund for the town. I cannot tell you how much I love being a part of this community and being around all the people that make it so great. 

7) I am stretching my time to the limits this week. Sitting down to write this list is just a way of me procrastinating something else that I have either forgotten about or don't want to do. I can't remember which.

8) I had a guest lecturer at school today. The topic was ethics. The lecturer was in his 50's, dressed like a hipster, rocking a beard and a man bun, and still managed to get me thinking with all those distractions. Good on him!

9) I am getting hungry for football food... Anybody else ready for Superbowl? Raise of hands if you want the Bronco's to get it done!! All those for the Panthers???!!! How 'bout those of you that are just happy you don't have to watch Tom Brady make another play this season??? That's me.

10) Happy Tuesday. Push your limits this week. Do something crazy. Or talk yourself out of something crazy. Either way. 

Mailing It In

Hey... Yo... How have you been?

For those of you that follow the Final Fifty on FB you know that I have been staying in touch via a semi-consistent stream of re-posts that I find insightful and applicable to our content here. I have not, however, given you guys the skinny (or not so skinny) on me these days. So, hold on to your Santa hats, we are gonna have a holiday recap.

I checked something off of my bucket list in the beginning of December. Actually a few somethings. First, I spent 4 fun filled days with some of the funniest and greatest people on the planet at NFR (National Finals Rodeo) in Las Vegas, Nevada. The western shopping there is un-freakin-believable and I did my best to spend my mason jar full of cash. That's right, the future accountant saved up her money in a mason jar in her nightstand. Thank you Pinterest. I have never been to Las Vegas and I have never been to NFR. It was an epic vacation and I loved every darn minute of it. I drank, I ate without abandon, and I even hauled my hiney to the gym at the MGM Grand and trotted on the treadmill. Yep, turns out you can exercise on vacation. As it also turns out you do a lot of walking in Las Vegas. My ability to judge distances was oddly skewed in that town. Maybe it a mirage in the desert?

Next, I finished my first term of my quest for an MBA with a 4.0 GPA. You can't see it, but I am patting myself on the back. Most of you that know me would quickly tell me that I am smart and that doing well in school was easy for me. Here is a little secret: I am only kind of smart and I have to work very hard at it. I spent endless hours studying and reading and writing papers. Way more than I had anticipated to accomplish that feat. What does this have to do with fitness and weight loss, you ask? Well, all that studying, reading, and writing equates to a good deal of time spent sitting on my hiney. It made my need and motivation for exercise that much stronger.

Third thing that I accomplished in December was running my very first 10k race. Before you get all excited and tell "good job" let me tell you why I failed terribly at my first 10k in epic Funny Fat Chic fashion. I had one goal, I wanted to run my first 10k in under an hour. I had been working really hard on my pace time while jogging. It was a good way for me to up my intensity while running and gave me a goal to work towards. Smart things to do to keep yourself motivated, FYI. So, here I am in my compression leggings, long-sleeve 1/4 zip running shirt, snazzy headband, and matching shoes. I've got my flipbelt (fanny pack) on and my iPhone is loaded with racing tunes and my running app. I have my number pinned on, I've walked around a few laps and stretched my quads. I've sized up my competition (everyone is competition to me) and I'm ready to get this race started. The dude at the start line gives a little speech about how the course has changed, blah, blah, blah. This doesn't really apply to me since I haven't run it before, I don't know what the old course is. No worries. Ready. Set. Race!! I'm off like a shot and after the first two miles I am slightly giddy because my race day jitters have me running half a minute faster than I have been running at home. I should reach my goal no problem. I'm clipping right along, passing people, getting passed by a few others. I blow by the first aid station, settle into my pace and go by the second one too. I notice that the herd is thinning out. The first aid station was the turnoff for the 5k racers so in my mind I am wondering if some of the 10k crew has broke to a walk. I trudge on for another 3/4 of a mile before I start to realize that I might be running with the half-marathoners. I let a group of ladies catch up to me and they confirm my fears. I turn around and head back for the finish line that is now nearly and extra mile and half away. I pick up my pace in an effort to make up for my mistake. I finish the race in 1 hour and 4 minutes. I missed my mark by 4 freakin minutes. I could have cried. I didn't, but I could have. I took my medal and skeedaddled. I decided to laugh about it and chalk it up to my horrible sense of direction honestly inherited from my mother.

I managed to lose weight over the holidays. Try not to hate me. I was very diligent about my exercise. I did indulge in some holiday food, but I tried to keep my choices smart, my portions in check, and saved what I could for drinking with friends. I got an email the other day from my calorie tracker that I have lost 60 pounds since I started tracking with it again in June. Boom. I consider myself to have 20 pounds to go. It would put me at 170. For those of you that are bad at math, that means I weigh 190 right now. Now, don't get all up in arms that I have a scale goal. It is at the bottom of my goals right now. I am weighing every two weeks. Why? I got selected to be apart of a test group for Beach Body's new work out program, Hammer and Chisel. So, I have to check in with my stats on a regular basis. I am much more worried about a few other things. For instance... I have signed up for two half-marathons two weeks apart at the end of March, start of April. I am full swing training for it now. That in addition to the Hammer and Chisel is keeping me on my twinkle toes. I am also more worried about getting into my next set of jeans. Getting into the last set was very satisfying. It feels good to fit into cute jeans. Really good. But the next set is even cuter. I am in a weird place where I am looking pretty good, but in my mind I am still fat as a house. That is the ugly plight of being an eternal fat kid. There is never enough. I'll probably never see what other people see. But, maybe that is ok. If that keeps me driven, that is a good thing. If it sabotages me into thinking that my efforts are for no good reason, that is not ok. I am trying to stay focused on my exercise goals and let the rest fall into place.

This is a tough time of year for all of us. Most people are starting to fall off of their New Year's resolution goals. The newness and excitement of beginning a new journey is wearing off and the reality of the routine and dedication is settling in. Here is my motivation Monday thought for you, Don't stop. Keep trying to build your habits. It has been a little over a year for me since I headed down this path of getting myself right again. I am not where I want to be, but I am a hell of a lot further than I was a year ago. Here is some picture proof (unedited, unfiltered, unphotoshopped)... The first photo is a camping trip a couple of summers ago. I am the one in the pink sweatshirt and shorts (WTH fashion faux pas) at the front of the ATV. It isn't a picture of me a year ago, but it might as well be, I was the same size/weight as I was in this picture. The second picture is me two weeks ago. I am wearing a sassy dress that I bought in Las Vegas and didn't even try on, so this was the first time I had seen it on me. I took the picture so my girlfriend (from Canada) that was with me when I bought it could see. I am not usually one for selfies. I don't even know who the girl who is in the first picture. I know that she couldn't run eight miles straight, or do two unassisted pull-ups, or hold her head up when she walked into a room. So, remember, duration, consistency, and habits are what makes the difference. Not fads, fast results, or starvation/deprivation diets.

Keepin it real over here at the fat farm!!

Ugly Honesty

I was going to call this post the "Ugly Truth" but I didn't want to infringe on any movie title copyrights. Besides, we are all about being honest here, right?

So, I try really hard not to dive off into a pity party if I can help it. But let's face, we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. I had a touch of that last weekend. I waited a few days to write this post to make sure that it was really what I wanted to put out there in the universe, and since it is still on my mind, and my heart, here it goes. I promise to continue to lace some humor throughout. I am laughing at myself, you guys should too. This will all tie in to weight loss, just bear with me.

Last weekend I went on a long weekend trip to stay in a cabin in central Oregon... Alone. But I wasn't supposed to be alone. Let me preface this whole thing by saying that I am absolutely sick and tired of being alone (insert:single). Confession... After I turned 35 this summer I broke down and signed up for eharmony. It has been the worst dating experiences of my life. Internet dating takes the human component out of meeting people and allows people to talk (type) to you without actually having to treat you like person. Repeatedly I have communicated with a guy, for several weeks even, and then one day they just never write again. I had one HORRIFIC date weekend where I flew up to meet a guy, basically got stood up at the airport for 7 hours, met him for a ridiculously late dinner, never heard from him the next, or the next day until 3 hours before my scheduled flight home. This weekend was not an eharmony guy. This was a guy that I knew when I lived in Oregon and have seen from time to time over the years. I invited him to the cabin for the weekend and he indicated that he was coming and was excited to come. Fast forward to me sitting in the cabin staring at two unreturned messages, realizing once again, that I had been stood up. Is this what dating in my 30's is all about, humility??? God bless all my friends because they are quick to tell me there is nothing wrong with me and that I am a great person. They also say that I should stay single as long as I can. Here is the thing about that... They are wrong. Being single has some perks, but at the end of the day, you know who I tell about my day? My dogs. Which I am starting to collect like a crazy cat lady. They listen, they love me, but they don't talk back. They don't hold my hand. They don't laugh. They don't tell me I'm right, wrong, or indifferent. Until you are spending the time in your life alone when you should be married and raising a family and watching everyone else in your life do exactly that, don't tell me I should stay alone. Its not always all it's cracked up to be.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't have an all bad weekend. I didn't even have a mostly bad weekend. I refused to. The weather was great. The scenery was beautiful. I got a lot of outside activities done. I even did an 8 mile run on Sunday, a distance PR for me. I couldn't help but think how cliche me running alone is. You know that scene in EVERY romantic drama and comedy where the single chic is running along the beach, or the river, or the whatever. I get why they run, its a solitary activity so it isn't weird for you to be doing it by yourself. I wanted to go watch the Ronda Rousey fight on Saturday night, but I couldn't think of anything worse than sitting in a bar eating dinner alone on my solitary weekend. It takes tough stuff to eat alone in a restaurant when you actually are alone. Tougher stuff than I have. I skipped the fight, got Mexican take out, and did my homework by the fire at the cabin.

My confidence in myself has gone up tenfold since I have begun this particular weight loss journey. I have accomplished a lot in the past year, not just physically, but in other areas of my life as well. I genuinely feel good about myself. But even the sanest, most well-loved, and emotionally strong person will have their boat rocked by rejection. Especially when it comes in the form of silence. There is that not knowing factor. I know to a certain degree that nothing bad happened to this guy. I have Facebook to thank for that. He still posted things all weekend. It was just me that he didn't even think enough of to tell me he wouldn't make it. I had given him outs prior to the weekend and could have even scheduled some photo shoots while I was over there. I put all that on hold because he said he was coming. What is it about me that makes people think that treating me like that is ok? That it won't affect me in the least? The worst part is having people ask about my weekend. What did you do? I tell them. How was the weather? Gorgeous, I say. Who did you go with? No one. And then it happens. The "Oh." This "Oh" is meant to be polite and enthusiastic. It slips from people's mouths before they think of something else to say. The tone of this "Oh" is dripping with pity and a hint of disbelief that I would travel alone, not to meet anyone, but to be alone. That "Oh" speaks volumes.

Weight loss tie-in. I would be lying through my teeth if I didn't tell you that a portion of my weight loss quest is a vain attempt at being more attractive to the opposite sex. People that are healthy and fit are people that have respect for themselves and that makes other people drawn to them in turn. I am not hanging my single hat on the fact that my hind end is getting smaller, but one would think it would help. That is a pretty superficial way to look at looking for a mate, but I feel like I have all the other parts figured out, so that must be it, I must be physically unattractive. I'm honestly not looking for any sympathy here. I gave myself enough of that last weekend. I just want anyone else out there in this same boat to know you aren't completely alone. I get it. I totally get it. But don't let it be something that sets you off your path to living a healthy lifestyle. It is about more than just being physically attractive. It is about being strong in mind and body. STRONG. I'm just about over this hump and over that guy. I'm just about over trying to figure out why. I am moving on. And heading down the road... In sneakers... And compression leggings... And sporting a fanny pack, I mean flipbelt.

The highs and lows of weight loss.

I am starting to think that this will never end. I have been fighting the weight demon for 35 years now. That is quite a career. It is a roller coaster of a ride that goes from emotional high to emotional low without much contentment in between.

Why so melancholy Funny Fat Chic?

A couple things have happened in the last week. I can do a happy dance because instead of my sizes having multiple Xs in front of them, some, if not all are just a good 'ole plain L. That is kinda cool. I have some cute clothes that I bought the last time I lost weight but I ballooned back up before I fit into them that I can now wear. VICTORY! A short-lived one though.

I have a vacation planned in December. It is a bucket list trip and I could not be more excited about it. Where I'm going, the people I'm going with, it could not be planned more perfectly. I tried on jeans this week. Jeans that I just knew I could get into before this trip. Here I am 30 days out and they absolutely DO NOT fit. No ifs ands or buts about it. <Insert sigh of defeat> Why on God's green earth after all this time, all this work, and all that I have accomplished do I still let myself be defined by the size of my pants?????? But I do. I took the pile of jeans out of the storage tub that they were in and put them in my room on a bench at the foot of my bed so that they would be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. A big 'ole pile of shame. I'm sure that will be effective (she says dripping with sarcasm). It is like I feel the need to punish myself for not getting there in time.

Here is the take away from this. We (or at least I) do not have full control of my body. Even though I have set a goal, maybe an unrealistic one, that doesn't mean that my body has the same plan. I'm not as young as I used to be so weight loss is a little slower process. I refuse to take any weight loss supplements because I know that their effects are not lasting or healthy. I also refuse to starve myself this time. I am eating an appropriate amount of calories in the form of clean, whole foods that nourish me and support my current activities. So, I am going to run 7.5 miles today. I am going to lift weights. I am going to stay consistent and strong through the holidays. I am not going to let that pile of jeans depress me into eating badly and giving up. I like the feeling of accomplishment I am getting by reaching fitness goals, even if my pants size isn't willing to be a reward for me. Highs to lows, contentment must be in there somewhere.

The View

Nope, I'm not about to talk about that TV show. I would never dare to enter into that political of a diatribe on this lighthearted, truth-slinging, funny platform. Nope. No way, no how.

I would like to talk about how I actually see a few things. How the world, ok my world, looks like right now.

For instance... I am starting to see my body take a shape other than round. I am getting a tiny bit of definition in my tree trunk legs. My calves are starting to look like muscles, not just extensions of my thighs. I am beginning to see a waist in between my fat rolls. My arms are getting a little sculpted. They probably look the best of anything on me, besides my perfectly manicured toes... Wait, I mean my perfectly pedicured toes. But in all reality, my arms probably had the least amount of work to do to become passable. There is still some wiggle and jiggle in the bottom of them, but it is rapidly being replaced by muscle. Here is one thing that I don't get about what I see. What kind of cosmic joke is it that stretch marks are on the front of our bodies instead of the back where we can't see them??? Why do I have to look at those things on my stomach instead of on my back where I would rarely, if ever, catch a glimpse of them??? That is a piss poor design flaw in the human body if you ask me.

I no longer want to cry when I see a picture of myself these days. I fit into some cuter clothes now that actually have some shape to them and don't just make me look like a fat face stuck on a colorless blob, how I've always felt up to now. Who knows, maybe I'll even change my profile picture. I don't feel like I dwarf the person standing next to me in pictures. Mind you, I'm not volunteering to get in front of any cameras, I'm just not actively hiding from them.

This is my view when I workout these days...

I like both of these views for different reasons. I still have a love/hate relationship with the running. These days I am leaning a little more towards love than hate. So, there's that. What I can say for the running is that I feel empowered, clear headed, and all around better when I get done with a run. I am always surprised at my distance or the time that I get it done in. Always. I still don't believe I can do it. I hope I can hold onto this awe and wonder for a little while longer. Signing up for some races and finding the MapMyRun app for my phone has made things a little more interesting and provided some new motivation. So, again, there's that. The weight lifting is still my favorite. I can't help it. I feel strong, really strong when I get done with it. I know that it is the thing that is shaping my body on the outside. The running might be changing me on the inside (which should count for more), but the weights are what the rest of the world is seeing. I was excited to find out the other day that The Beast and Autumn from 21 Day Fix Extreme are getting together and releasing a workout program in December (Beach Body). I'll be first in line for that one!! It will be my reward for completing the 10k. 

The last thing that I see right now is an amazing fall. The view from my weekly hike is clear, glowing with warm fall light, and starting to get an edge of crisp on it. I love this time of year. Even if it means the rise of pumpkin spiced everything and arm loads of comfort food that I have to resist. 

What does your view look like these days???? 

Procrastination

In an effort for my brain to avoid typing up my last two term papers that are due tomorrow night, all it will think about is talking points that I have been thinking of for a Final Fifty blog post. So, here I am putting pen to paper (translate fingers to keys) in a feeble attempt to get my brain to go back to thinking about strategic management and its application to my chosen company of Asics tennis shoes. And then for fun after that I am going to write a paper on Volkswagen and the ethical decisions that it made that led up to the emissions scandal and how that is going to affect its position in the marketplace. How bad do you wish you were me right now???

So, we are gonna do this down and dirty style, a list. It has been awhile since we had a list. Yep, a list it is.

1) After I posted that picture of Slack (my puppy) tormenting and mocking me (he lays on his back when I do crunches and rolls over kicks his legs out behind him when I plank) while doing abs yesterday I came to a shocking realization... The thinner my face gets the bigger my teeth are. I have an overbite that I have always been pretty self-conscious about, and apparently I am going to need to gain my weight back in order avoid my mouth being inordinately out of proportion to the rest of my face. Trade-offs suck.

2) I can officially wear regular bras again. So much for my gaining the weight back theory in #1. I have a rather large rib cage that is blessed with a rather small bust. Finding bras to accommodate that scenario when I am overweight is basically impossible. If I find one to fit my cup size, then it cuts into my back horribly and creates no less than two more fat rolls than what actually exist and it won't remain in place. I can now comfortably fit in my old Victoria Secret 36B (loooooooow end of B) bras and they are comfortable, flattering, and don't budge. I always thought I was shaped weird, turns out I was just fat and they don't make pretty, fancy, nice bras for fat chics. They make ugly old sports bras and grandma bras (sorry to all the grandmas out there) that are most likely some form of fat shaming scheme from the lingerie industry. Anyways, lucky me, I can wear real bras again.

3) Fast food. I bet you all think I don't eat fast food anymore. How could I and continue to lose weight??? WRONG. I eat it at least twice a week, sometimes more. I have just found healthy options at the fast food places, I control my portions, and I look for places that make their food from REAL food, not food-like substances. Here are some examples...

• Pita Pit. By far my favorite. You get some warmed up lean protein, all the veggies you want, and it is wrapped up in a convenient whole wheat package. The calories are posted right on their menu if you are counting that sort of thing. My favorite is the Chicken Salvaki (sp??). 
• Subway. Eat Fresh. Ignore the Jared scandal. Again, lean protein and as many veggies as you want. Downside, bread. I try to limit my Subway experience to once a week. I don't eat bread in any other venue in my life. I'm not saying bread is the anti-Christ, but I do know that I do better the less bread I eat. I do, however, eat Baked Lays. I love them. BBQ, Cheddar, or Sour Cream, I love them all. Bonus, they have the best iced tea on the planet. My usual right now is a steak with no cheese (their cheese doesn't look very real), flatbread, spinach, onions, tomatoes, olives, jalapenoes, yellow peppers, mayo, and sriracha.
• And finally, Jimmy Johns. The Un-wich is the singular greatest creation on the planet. Downside, you don't get a ton of veggie choices at this location. I usually order a #16 (turkey, tomato, bacon) as an Un-wich with double turkey. If I could somehow get Subway to serve Un-wiches, I would be in heaven. Here's another shocker... I eat real mayo at these location. Why? A) I refuse to give up mayo, I just limit my consumption of it. B) I refuse to eat lite mayo. Its gross and who the heck knows what they replace the real ingredients with to make it lite. I'd rather have a little of the good stuff than a ton of the nasty stuff. 

4) I am down 13 pounds since I last wrote you guys. That sounds like a lot. This is a good news/bad news deal. Here is why. I swore that I was not going to be slave to the scale. And, honestly I am not. I am much more excited about real bras than I am about the 13 pounds. But, and there is always a but, I did a dance around my bathroom this morning when I saw how much the scale had budged. Then I decided that I didn't believe it and weighed myself again. I guess the moral to this one is that the square piece of electronics in my bathroom still holds a fair amount of psychological power over me. I would like to think it is just a tool in this process, but it still holds the power to make or break my day.

5) I have a problem. A BIG problem. I can't stop buying running clothes. Compression leggings and thin quarter zip shirts with thumb holes are taking over my wardrobe. Old Navy is getting ready to issue me stock instead of shipping me clothes.

6) I am going to be really sad when my Body Beast program is over. I need to find another weight lifting program that I love as much to rotate with it. I feel like I have hit this sweet spot in my workout regime where I have the perfect mix of cardio and weights and it is making me really shed some fat (see#4). I don't want to lose that rhythm. Plus, I really like lifting weights. I like it, I like it a lot.

7) Around my homestead it is officially soup season. Fall=Soup. Fall also = hoodies, flannel pj's, and hibernation level hunger. All I wanna do is EAT. I have to be extra careful this time of year because there are naughty treats and comfort food running around everywhere. Thank goodness I'm not a coffee drinker otherwise pumpkin spice lattes might be taking over my world. I can't help it, I just love all things Fall. Added bonus, it is the only time of year where I can run the heat and the A/C in the house all in the same day. Back to soup. I love it. It is generally easy to make. It is warm and filling. It is a good way to get lots of nutrition with fewer calories. Just be aware of the sodium in soup. It can be bloating. But, making homemade soup is a good way to keep that in check.

Ok, I think that clears out The Final Fifty portion of my brain. I am gonna get back to work on my other stuff now. Unless I can come up with another reason to put it off for an hour... Or two.

Peace out.

Why do I yawn?

You might be wondering if I am about to dive into a diatribe of Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? What makes me yawn? Nope, not even close. I just wanted to check in because I feel like it has been a really, really, really, really long time since I have. And I miss you guys. And I needed a title for this post. I promise it will come into play later.

First off, I would just like to say that I am crazy busy these days, ever so slightly stressed out, and still feeling a little lonely, but I am by and far happy. HAPPY. I hope that you guys are happy too. I feel like the things that I am stressed out about are legitimate things, not trivial things like "What can I eat for lunch that won't instantly add three pounds to my rear end?" Worrying about things like that can not only make you crazy, but it usually makes you feel a little vain and petty which leads to a giant ball of emotion chasing you like Indian Jones in the Temple of Doom. Raise your hand if you are a child of the '80's!!! I am worried about term papers, doing my job to the best of my ability, the best ways to take care of my grandmother, and what trick I should teach my 5 month old puppy next. You know, the important stuff.

Here is how things are going on the fitness front (then we will jump to the oh-so-lovely food front). I am on the last 5 weeks of The Beast by Beach Body. My deepest love for Shaun T still remains, but I have enjoyed The Beast as much as I can possibly enjoy a workout. He has a heavy European accent, talks about himself in the third person, and looks like he could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's younger brother. The only thing that has me in a quandary is that I yawn EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I lift weights. If anyone knows the answer to this phenomenon, I'm all ears. I have also been trying to figure out why I like this workout so much. Is it because I have promptly dropped 12+ pounds since starting it? That doesn't hurt. Is it because it is all weight lifting and I LOVE weight lifting? Sure, it is always good to enjoy what you are doing. Is it because there are no women in it? Holy cow. I have just come to this realization after about 7 weeks of doing this program. There are no women for me to compare myself to. There are no women for me to beat myself up about for not looking like them. There are no women for me to fight against. I am only trying to lift more than my previous self, not the super fine fitness chick on the TV. Two things to take home from this... 1) Stop me if you have heard this one before: Comparison is the thief of joy. The more that we compare ourselves the more we are convinced that we don't measure up and the more miserable we make ourselves in the process. 2) I need to treat every workout as though there are no other chicks. Not because the chicks are bad or because a little competition is bad, but because my fragile ego can't handle it. Recognizing that, admitting it, and working around it will make me more successful in the long run. For now, I am going to continue to BEAST UP! Plus the guys on the video are muscle bound and beautiful, how can I go wrong? The running. Ahhhhh, the running. So, since we last talked I completed a 5k. Not a huge deal except for the fact that I ran in front of people and I averaged an 8 1/2 minute mile. I surprised myself. It was the color run. If you get the chance in your area, I recommend it, it was great fun and as an added bonus you will have a neon blue armpit for at least a week and will blow sparkly boogers for no less than three days. It has spurred me on to sign up for a 10k. It isn't until December so I feel like I have given myself plenty of time to train. I am sticking with my 3-4 days a weeks running schedule and slowly increasing my distance and always working on min/mile time. I can't help but wonder if I like the running because it is solitary as well. The only person I am trying to beat is myself. I'm sensing a theme to my fitness regimes. I welcome any training advice that you experienced runners may have (Mandi & Jenna this means you). Any tips on form would be awesome too. I can't help but think that I could be doing better by myself in that department. That's about it for fitness, just a lifting and a running. Lifting and a running.

Food. Oh, blessed food. I feel like I am on auto pilot these days in the food department. This can be a dangerous place because you can comfortably slip into old habits. But, for right now, I am focusing on eating clean, keeping my portions in check, and not depriving myself when special occasions arise. I am trying not to do too much work out to food comparison math. I don't want it to take over my brain to the point where I am obsessing. I still eat Subway, I still have the occasional alcoholic beverage, I still love jerky. My new favorite is Buffalo Chicken Jerky. It makes my heart sing. I have honestly been more hungry the past few weeks. I am blaming this on a couple things. The weather is cooling off and being the bear that I am I am trying to hibernate. Next, I have upped my training. I am running farther and lifting heavier. I think my body is trying to compensate for that. The trick is to not give into that. I have to continue to keep my portions in check, continue to eat whole foods as much as possible, and I have to listen to my body. If I am a little more hungry, I can add in another healthy snack during the day. I don't need to eat two dinners. Like I said, I am trying not to obsess, just sticking to the simple rules and tuning in to what my gut is actually telling me. Oh, and drinking more water than imaginable. It is easy to back off of the water when the weather cools down, don't do it! Drink more!!

Some interesting food choices that I have been making lately... My Canadian bestie made me lunch one day when I visited her. It was a salad with grated beets, grated carrots, quinoa, mushrooms, and a lovely dressing that has a nutritional yeast base. Who says a salad has to have lettuce? I have been adding back more beets in my diet since then. I have also made a big batch of quinoa to keep in the fridge. I quite like it. It has been a handy little additive for salads and what not. I have found that if I keep a batch of plant protein in the fridge (quinoa, garbanzos, etc.) it makes making dinner at the end of a week day a lot easier. Who knew?

My goals right now are drifting away from just losing weight. I still need to do that. Or losing FAT I should say. If you put a gun to my head I would tell you I have 60 pounds left to go. Most people would tell me that is crazy. I am a deceivingly dense being. I am honestly more worried about being prepped for my 10k. I am working towards boy push-ups and unassisted pull-ups. I want to be in these smoking hot jeans that I bought before I go to NFR and Las Vegas the second week of December. My goals are less about fighting the scale and more about making improvements. I don't actually hate my body right now. It has a gut, the arms are still a little flabby, and my legs are still tree trunks (but they are tree trunks that are starting to show definition). But, BIG BUT, this body carries me for 5.5 miles at a run, it does increasingly heavier squats and bicep curls, it feels pretty darn good once it gets past the morning wake up stiffness. I have to believe that these goals are good ones. Healthy ones. Potentially fun ones.

So, there you have it. I yawn, for why I don't know?

Thanks for tuning in!!!

P.S. This Funny Fat Chic is throwing out a challenge. If any of you get trained up and successfully run The Hot Chocolate Run with me in December I will personally put $100 towards new running shoes for you. Consider yourselves challenged.

The Importance of Failure

This is somewhat unrelated to this blog... But if I really think about it, it's not.

I had to write an admissions essay for the NNU masters program over the weekend. They give you a quote and you have to display your analytical writing skills in a one to two page essay. It was about how you have to fail to learn. I applied it to my professional life, but why doesn't that same theory apply to all the areas of your life. I know I haven't really admitted it, but I have been feeling like I have been failing in my weight (no, FAT) loss journey as of late. I feel like I have let little things sneak back into my life. A weekend cheat day has slipped into 2 or three days. One skipped workout leads to two, regardless of the reason. You know, little things like that. The things that eventually add up to no results or a slump, and if you really don't get it in check, weight (no, FAT) gain. The past couple weeks I have cracked down on my eating. Portion size. Water intake. Clean foods. And you know what, when I went pants shopping yesterday, I have dropped a pants size. I didn't jump on the scale because I didn't want to ruin the moment, but by striving past failure, I made a difference in my body. Below is a copy of my essay. See how it can pertain to you and your life. The quotes that are in it should be read over a couple times to absorb all of their value. Enjoy...


My NNU Admissions Essay:

To learn, fail… If nothing ever breaks, you don’t really know how strong it is. Strike out fear of failure… Reward success and failure equally-punish inactivity.

                                                                                                                ~David Kelley, IDEO

I believe that one good quote deserves another. The quote from David Kelley brought a celebrated speech to mind. Theodore Roosevelt spoke of individual citizenship in Paris, France in 1910. He was challenging leaders of democracies to hold their standards high in an attempt to elevate society as a whole. Lead by example, if you will. He knocked the legs out from under the pedestal of the privileged man and uplifted the man that earned his place in society with failures and triumphs. He emphasized the importance of the everyday man (and woman) that make up the bulk of society. He made claim to the fact that the extremes in the sense of individualism versus socialism both fall short of society’s needs and that a middle ground is where we should lie. While he uttered these words over a hundred years ago, the intent behind them still holds true today.  Here is the portion of his speech that is most applicable here:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory or defeat.

                                                                                                                ~Theodore Roosevelt

The theme between these two quotes is the importance of failure. How do we get to an elevated state of failure? How do we get to that place where we either learn from a scenario with a less than expected outcome or a place where we see better the value of victory because we intimately know the ache of defeat? Effort. Valiant effort is the not only the path to valuable failure, but it is also the path to strength in victory. The point of both of these quotes is that passivity will obtain no results. You will not succeed, learn, nor fail by taking a course of inaction. Both Kelley and Roosevelt allude to point of action as being what is notable. Action is what positions people to succeed, learn, or fail. Being handed something freely never has the same impact as earning it honestly. Failing can drive you to try harder, or approach smarter, until you do obtain your something. Everyone has a something they want to have in their hand.

My something is being able to make the most meaningful impact on society in a way that fully employs my skill set, ambitions, and intellect. Furthering my education is the first step towards realizing this something. I have not spent my life having things handed to me, but I may not have always directed myself towards a path that would make full use of my abilities. I try hard at everything that I do. When I fail, I fail big. When I win, I win big. Those victories and achievements are always sweeter because I made the effort to fail in the past. Bad luck is not the sum of failure. But neither is lack of effort, at least not in my case. Sometimes we need that failure to show us the correct direction to focus our energies, luck or no luck. Some might think that I decided to make a 180 degree turn in my life during my mid-thirties. I don’t believe that in the least. I think that the jobs that I have had, the education I have undergone, the relationships I have made and lost have all led me to this point. I am on the course that I have chosen all along the way. I have not been passive; I have not been treading lightly. I have been working to get to this point. Going through the master’s program at NNU is something that I desperately want the chance to fail at. However, I have no intentions of failing. I have every intention of being the enthusiastically devoted person in the arena that wants to find out exactly what my outer limits are. I have every intention of finding out precisely how strong I am and how that strength can be put forth to better not only myself, but to better society as a whole. 

Playing catch up...

Ummmmm, where have you been Funny Fat Chic???

Its been a busy few weeks. That seems to be the case for everyone this summer. Between work, extracurricular activities, and trying to make the best possible use of the extra daylight hours, it seems like everyone I run into is operating on autopilot and in a hurry. And that is why I love summer. I love to be busy.

So, me, what have I been doing?

Well, I turned 35 a couple weeks ago. It was basically no big deal. Which, as you get older, is exactly what birthdays should be. I felt pretty good about it. I ran 4 miles at lunch that day. That is something that I couldn't even dream of doing when I was turning 34. That has to be some kind of marker that all my hard work has not been for naught. Is that how you say that? Not for nothing? Whatever, you get the idea.

I took last week off from running. I know that this seems to conflict with the epic accomplishments of the previous paragraph, but its ok to take a break sometimes. I had a summer cold. It involved snot, labored breathing, and a fever. I decided it was as good a reason as any to take a little break. I still did the final week of my P90X3. I added in some Natalie Jill workouts from her phone app (which is actually very cool). I am feeling much better this week and I would be ready to get back to running if it weren't for my latent softball injury from this past weekend. WHAT?!?!?! Yep, I hurt my knee running to first base. I heard a decent "SNAP" and then I was non-weight bearing for a few minutes. It doesn't really hurt at all, but if I fully extend it, it just won't hold. I'm going to give it the week. I ordered a brace that should be here Wednesday and we'll see how it holds up next week.

You may have noticed that I said the last week of P90X3. Yep, Tony Horton and I are no longer dating. All in all, I lost 12 pounds in the 3 months with Tony. My inches didn't make any drastic changes. I would like to think that my inches are a little more firm than flab now, but who knows, really. My lackluster results are not all the program's fault. It is BBQ and beer season, both of which play hell with my ability to lose weight. I would recommend this program to anyone who would like to get a formidable strength workout in on a time budget. I would recommend it for any one that would like to be able to do a pull-up or chin-up. I would recommend it for anyone that understands the Three Stooges humor.

I am starting Body Beast today. I wanted to do it in conjunction with my running. I guess I got the cart a little before the horse. I'll let you know what I think. The instructor is new to me. I had a really hard time not rushing back to Shaun T. Insanity Max 30 is next on my list. I miss Shaun T and his uncanny ability to talk about himself in the third person. I think Body Beast will be a great strength trainer. I think that Insanity Max 30 will be a great way to lose weight.

Speaking of losing weight. I read a great article the other day. Why are we all trying to lose weight? If you were a fit size 5 that could do anything physically you wanted to but weighed 280 pounds, would you care? If you were a size 20 and never wanted to get off of the couch but only weighed 130 pounds, would you feel good about yourself? So why are we so hung up on weight? We need to lose fat. Not weight. We need to put less of our eggs in the scale basket and more in the healthy basket. I was a little disappointed at the 12 pounds I lost on P90X3, but why? Of course, its because I want to be skinny and pretty. Guess what... Back in the day when I weighed quite a bit less than I do now, whenever I stepped on my scale, it NEVER one time told me I was pretty. It never applauded the number it flashed at me. It couldn't tell that while I was 60 pounds lighter than I am now, I could only do about half of what I can now physically. So, that is my new creed. I am losing fat and not losing weight. Will I still weigh in? Probably. But I hold less stock in it today than I did yesterday. It carries a lot less weight with me (get it?).

Other than that I have been up to my same old summer antics... shooting weddings, attending concerts, road tripping every chance I get, and of course, working. August looks to be more of the same. The weather has been mild, the people have been awesome, and well, as usual, life is good.

I think I'm in LOVE.

So, I have been seeing this guy for awhile now.

No, not the guy from the bar.

It's been going on a little longer than that. I only get to see him once every couple of weeks due to circumstances out of our control.

He is a little younger than me. He's foreign. He has dark hair and nice eyes. He is gentle and firm. He rubs my feet, and as those of you that know me well, nobody touches my feet. He doesn't talk a whole lot and doesn't expect me talk much either. When he does he always imparts some life wisdom on me. He does ask me some questions every now and again. He's getting to know me slowly but surely. I ALWAYS feel better after I see him. I ALWAYS feel prettier after I see him. I'm beginning to feel committed to him.

If only he wasn't my nail guy.... ;)

P.S. Just in case you didn't read between the lines, go back and read that whole thing with a tone of sarcasm. Although if I ever found a guy that was as reliable as my nail guy, I just might think about being committed.

On the hunt...

Did you know I was a hunter???

I am. My love of the great outdoors and my redneck upbringing means that I have been hunting since I was a kid. I also happen to like game. It is a great source of lean protein. But I digress.

I have been on the hunt for some time to find an example of a body image that I would like to embody. The people at Beach Body are great and I realize that they are real people, but they are also fitness models. They try-out to be on the videos, they are the people in Fitness Magazine and Men's Health. They make the cover of magazines because of their incredibly fit (and lean) bodies. My hat is off to them. They are all amazing athletes. But, and here is the but, if I am looking for a body type to work towards, a body to compare myself to, it is HIGHLY unlikely that I will ever achieve their level of fitness or their version of lean. Now, I know that I have preached time and time again that comparison is the thief of joy. Still true. But it is also important to have a goal and to be able to visualize that goal. That is what I am trying to do here.

The first person I found was at the cancer center. Sitting around waiting with Gram, I decided to pick up something to read. Enter Ronda Rousey. She too is on the cover of a magazine, but she is far from skinny and far from being a fitness model. She is UFC all-star Ronda Rousey. She is changing the face of UFC fighting and changing body image standards for women everywhere. She is tough, yet sensitive, motivated, successful, and hard-working. She is on the go ALL. THE. TIME. She doesn't just have a booming fight career, but she is now popping up in action movies all over the place. She has also been an Olympic medalist. Her income from films far trumps what she makes as a fighter, but fighting is still her top priority. Why? Because she is an athlete, she is the best at what she does, and she loves every minute of it. She looks strong, not cut. She looks like she isn't afraid to eat a cheeseburger every so often and can still run five miles if she needs to. She has actual thighs. That's what I want. Healthy. Strong. Normal.

The second body I found wasn't actually found by me. I saw a link to this article on FB. An old friend of mine tagged her teenage daughter to have her read it. I thought it was genius. This gal is also an Olympic athlete. Hammer thrower, Amanda Bingson. She is a stud. Her attitude is what we should all strive for. She loves every bit of her body and makes no apologies for one inch of it. In the article she is shown throwing the hammer... Naked. I'm not going to be able to say it any better than she does in this article. I recommend the read. Long story short, she too is strong, healthy, and normal. She has an A-mazing outlook on her self-image and I hope that she medals when she goes to the next Olympics. I know I'll be cheering for her!

http://espn.go.com/olympics/story/_/page/bodyamandabingson/hammer-thrower-amanda-bingson-says-athletes-come-all-shapes-sizes-espn-magazine-body-issue

So, the hunt is over. I found two spectacular women to model my fitness regime after. I'm gonna keep on trucking until I have at least an ounce of the confidence and presence that these women have. I salute them for being the faces (and bodies) for women and girls to look up to.

Housekeeping

Is there anything worse than cleaning your house during the summer? I HATE it! I live like a tornado in the summer, mostly using my house to sleep in and prepare the occassional meal. The weather is gorgeous, I LOVE the summer heat, and I just don't want to be in my house. But as most tornadoes do, I leave a big mess in my wake. In attempt to avoid my physical housework, I thought I would take a minute and do a little of my housekeeping here.

First things first, I was supposed to give you guys some numbers this week. If you go back to the last set of numbers I gave you, you will find what you need. Nothing has changed measurement wise. I have maintained my weight, and my inches. Now, before you do a collective sigh and feel sorry for me, don't. I had a feeling that I was hitting a rut. I have felt a little bit rutt-ish in my workouts and my eating. And if we are being honest, and I like to think that we are here at The Final Fifty, I have been living like weekends are calorie free excursions. There have been BBQ's, birthday parties (apparently a lot of people get knocked up 9 months before summertime), and there has been some alcohol consumption. I made myself a deal though, I am not going to torture my psyche all summer long by avoiding all the above situations and not partaking in them to some degree. I do however feel fitter than my last round of measurements. Absolutely fitter. I can run farther (and faster... average of 9.5 minute miles now instead of 11 minutes), I can lift with more ease and even lift more (new dumbbells are on my shopping list). Even though the numbers haven't really changed, I feel like I have changed. I also feel like I am walking around feeling a little more confident (insert:about my body) than usual. Whether that new feeling is justified or not, who knows, but I'm gonna hang on to it for as long as I can.

I have had a crazy couple of days... Three days to be exact, so I guess I should call it a few. I went and saw one of my favorite bands on Thursday night. I went with some friends outside of my normal crew. We had a fabulous time and I wondered to myself why we don't all do stuff together more often. I'm adding these people to my social to-do list. Two very interesting things happened that evening. First, I had a lady get in my face and scream at me because of my hair. She was not a very nice person to say the least. I am not the kind of person that people (especially random strangers) yells at. I was so shocked I think I stood there for a good minute before I picked up my dropped jaw and managed a retort. She claimed that she couldn't see the concert because of my big (expletive) hair. I finally told her that I didn't know how to respond to that as my hair has its own fan base and people usually like it better than they like me. She finally backed off after I cracked a few more jokes at her that brought the ridiculousness of her outburst to light. I partied on, she stewed about it, nobody got scratched, no hair got pulled, no punches where thrown. We after partied at a local bar. This is where interesting thing number two happened. I lost a limbo contest (get low, get low) to a very cute, very young guy with dark curly hair. When the bar shut down, I let loose a little bit and made out with him in the parking lot. Yep, I acted for a blissful minute like I was 10 years younger (and 10 years hotter). When I woke up Friday morning after 2 whole hours of sleep with two hickeys on my neck, I hung my head in shame. But then I thought, what did I actually do wrong. Answer is... NOTHING. I didn't let anything get to an undignified state, I had FUN, and there was no harm, no foul. So, yep, or the first time in about 20 years I have the neck of a naughty teenager. So sue me. {Disclaimer: for those of you reading this, you may have noticed I didn't mention any names. If you are able to connect the dots, keep that dirty little secret to yourself and don't spoil my fun :) please.}

After pulling myself moderately together, I had to take Gram to chemo by 8:30am and then after that I headed out to second shoot a wedding for my best friend. After gram's chemo I went on a run and sweated out all my shame and a good portion of my whiskey. We shot a beautiful wedding and I was home again in the wee hours of the morning instead the late hours of the evening. Then yesterday, I had a wedding of my own to shoot. Not mine, that kinda sounded like it was my wedding. It was a wedding of my own clients I should say. It was 106 degrees here yesterday. I actually sweated all the way through my clothes. Twice. I looked like someone turned a hose on me. Over the course of the past two days I have only peed once. That is how much I have sweated. Today, I am laying low to say the least. I will say one thing about the little whirlwind that I have been on. I am so thankful that I have made the effort to get into shape and have fueled myself with healthy food. I had a foundation to work off of that kept me from being completely miserable over the past few days. My body could take the torture because I have tortured it much worse than that for a lot longer.

I want to talk for a second about my best friend. Some of this is gonna sound mushy. Some of it is gonna sound philosophical. I just told you a very entertaining and embarrassing story about myself, so now you get to bare with me for a minute. Have you ever known an incredibly talented person that had no idea of the reach of their abilities? My best friend is a photographer, like me, but that is by and far not all that she is. She is a wife, a daughter, and mother (most importantly), a stall cleaner, a business manager, and last but not least a friend. She asked me to second shoot this wedding with her. I first thought that it was just to be a second shooter, catch the things that she couldn't be two places at the same time for. Which I happily did. I am a photographer after all, I like to pick up my camera. But I was really there to support her. Support her as a friend. Here is the thing about taking pictures. It is true for me whether I am shooting a landscape, an adorable family, or two people in love. There is a piece of me in every photograph. I am not just recording a moment in time. I want you to see what I see and how I see it. I want you to not only look through my lens, I want you to look through my eyes, and I want you to use the filter of my soul to do it. My best friend leaves a little more of herself in every picture than most do. She has a special way of bringing beauty to light and shedding light on beauty. This wedding was for her husband's (another one of my BEST friends) baby sister. This takes up the intensity by a 1,000%. You not only know and love these people, but they are family. Your want-to to make these images be the best ones that you have ever taken is so strong that it can almost paralyze you. It will make you second guess your judgement all day long. It will make you convinced that you didn't get a shot off long before you bother to go home and even look at a single image. This was my best friend's gift to the bride and groom. And while some might think, oh that's nice, they got a free photographer, I know what she really gave them. She was giving them the type of images to remember their day by that only she could give them. She was the only person on the planet that could record the union of their love because she has watched it develop and grow from the very beginning. She is going to give them images that show how much she completely adores this couple with every click of her shutter. They are going to see themselves through the eye of one of the people that loves them most. She was the only person for that job. So, instead of sitting comfortably enjoying a cold beverage and catching up with her family, she sweated, she walked a thousand miles in the wrong shoes, she changed clothes in her car, she watched her kids be a part of a wedding through her lens instead through her eyes (there is a difference), she ate her dinner in under a minute, she did all the cat herding that comes with photographing a wedding party, she stressed about light (or lack there of), she fended off the event coordinator, and at the end of the day, she nailed it. She gave them a gift that only she could give. Because THAT is how amazing she is.

I don't know if I should hope that you guys had the same kind of weekend I did or not. I do hope that you had fun. I sure did. Stay cool. Drink your water.

I've Noticed A Few Things

Hey... I'm gonna give you another list. I like lists. They keep me from rambling. They are organized. Or at least they pretend to be. You can talk about them later with ease... "Hey did you see #8 of The Final Fifty list? That girl is crazy!" They are a good way to talk about several different things without having to seamlessly transition in between. It's cheating for writers. Rambling over, list beginning in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

#1 I noticed as I was walking today (it wasn't a running day) that my elbows no longer hit my fat sides when I walk. They not only don't hit, but they don't even brush up against. Is it possible that I am getting a waist? You know, that space between arms and midsections in silhouettes of women. What the heck do I do with one of those? Wear a belt?? No way. But it's nice to have my elbows freed up.

#2 I realized today that I have not had any back pain in quite some time! Further proof that my back pain is entirely preventable by taking care of myself. No drugs, no adjustments, no other therapies. Just good old exercise and decent nutrition. Go figure.

#3 I am two days behind on my P90X3. I have a semi-good reason for this. Last Friday before I headed up to my best friend's for my honorary niece's birthday I was riding my two year old colt that I am just starting. He stumbled and then really tripped and then did an ass-over-tea-kettle somersault and then landed on his side on my leg. I have been a little bruised up and I seemed to hurt my shoulder/collarbone. All injuries are a long ways from my heart and I am going to be just fine. But, I took an extra couple days to try and let things settle back where they should go. I plan on catching up the two workouts this weekend. It's a weigh-in day on Sunday or Monday. Eeeek. So look for some numbers coming your way. In the mean time, enjoy my awesome bruises!! P.S. It looks a lot worse than it feels.

#4 I have been thinking about the word single a lot lately. I get saddled with that term quite often. Its most basic meaning is alone. And sometimes I feel alone. I have chosen relatively solitary jobs. I spend most of my evenings alone with my dogs (but they are awesome dogs). I work out alone. I am a social creature normally, but apparently I appreciate solitude. Most of the time I am the social event planner in my circle of friends. A role I love to take on! Lately when I have been on social outings I am there, but I feel a little withdrawn. I think that cancer in your life does that to you. But, really, if you think about it, any crisis in life can do that to you. Money problems? First thing you do is withdraw yourself and tell yourself you can't do anything because you don't have any money. Trouble on the home front? Time to retreat and spend more time at home and less time around other people. Put on some weight? Time to hideout and make sure no one gets the opportunity to see it until you get it off. The list goes on. Is this a survival instinct? Is this our way of protecting ourselves and our feelings? Is it an instinct that we should fight? I think so. I am going to work harder at being more present. I am not going to skip fun things because I don't deserve it or because there is cancer actively happening in my family. Why does one thing have to do with another? I have a girlfriend that invited me to her son's t-ball games and brought her boys over to see me the other night. Just to visit. She didn't need anything from me. In fact she was bringing me stuff for Gram to try for her nausea. She has no idea how bad I needed that visit. How bad I needed those t-ball games. She has seen cancer up close and personal. She knows how it can take over your life. Maybe she did know how bad I needed to just sit in the shade and chit chat. I am grateful to her for that. I think it brought me back to reality a little bit and convinced me to quit being such a hermit. I had another girlfriend come on a run with me. I almost killed her from heat stroke. But it was so very nice to have a partner to run with. I also visited my bestie last weekend. We shopped, we threw a party, we hiked. Seeing her and her family always helps. ALWAYS.

#5 Shaun T said something interesting today on his podcast. He said that the body you have is the one you deserve. He was speaking in the context that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy. He's right. I deserve everything that I think is right and everything that I think is wrong with my body. I have sweated, fought, and battled for the muscles and I have eaten my way to the fat. I have eared every ounce of both. I need to be more accepting of that so that I stay happy in my workouts and don't view them as a means to an end. There is no end to fitness, just continual progress.

#6 I don't think I like chia seeds. I have been trying to like them because they are a GREAT source of well-rounded plant protein. But, they freak me out. They start as seeds, and then somehow turn into weird little gel coated things in my mouth. They also like to reside between my teeth. They have literally no flavor, so all I have to go on is the texture. And, I don't like the texture.

#7 Tomorrow marks the start of concert season for me. Willie Nelson. Don't be a jealous hater. I'm taking Mom and Gram. It is going to be nice to take Gram to something besides chemo or grocery shopping. She will wave at Willie like he is singing to her. I know this because she does it at every concert I've ever taken her to. This time though, instead of being embarrassed, I am going to wave with her because he will be singing to her.

#8 It is going to top a hundred next week. I am secretly excited about this. I LOVE the heat.

#9 My new favorite dessert is a bowl of blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries with a drizzle of raw honey and a splash of almond milk. Sweet (the good kind), full of fiber, and oh-so-tasty! Give it a try. I know berries can be a little pricey but no more spendy than a a run to the store for a tub of ice cream can be. Speaking of, on my way home from Oregon over the weekend I stopped and had a mini Blizzard at Dairy Queen. I don't even feel bad about it. Jurassic smash-up was the flavor if you were curious.

#10 Refer to #8. It is getting hot out there. All the more reason to drink your water. Lots of it. Put some lemon in it. Put some mint in it. Put some cucumber in it. Whatever blows your skirt up besides the a/c vent.

Feeling Like A Little List

Hey Gang! We haven't had a good list in awhile...

1) I started wearing men's deodorant. I am a sweater. Not a woolen, cozy clothing item that you wear in the winter. A person that perspires, profusely. Like I just started thinking about sweating and now I am sweating. I also get cold easily, so it is a weird dichotomy in my life. None-the-less, there are no women's deodorants that can keep up with my sweating in the summer. Since it went from Spring to Summer basically overnight here in Southern Idaho, here I am sweaty and stinky. Enter Old Spice Sport edition. I feel better about raising my arm already. Oh wait, is that the Sure commercial?

2) I don't want, or like, to use this blog as a political forum, so I will keep this list item short and sweet. With Gram's cancer and chemo and all the fun stuff that goes with it, I am getting an up close and personal taste of all the things that are eff-ed up with our health care system. There are a lot. That is all.

3) My belly doesn't hit the back of my saddle horn when I ride anymore. Bonus. Mind you, I still have plenty of belly to go around, but I'm no longer donning a round bruise in my midsection.

4) In reference to #3... I have been riding more! I missed it. I like my ponies that I have right now and even though I am just getting them legged up (or started) and not really training for any big event, it feels good to be getting something done with them besides just throwing hay at them and wishing them the best.

5) I never feel so accomplished as I do after a run. I am getting more addicted to the running. I always feel like I really did something and really tried hard at doing something after I get back from a run. Whether that is shedding pounds off of me or not, it has to be a good thing for my health and mental well-being. I think I'll keep after it. I'm even thinking about signing up for a race. Right now my focus is to improve my minutes/mile. New goal... after I get under 200# I want to train for a 10k. If you hear me start saying the words half-marathon or marathon, it might be time for an intervention.

6) I am sooooooo happy it is summer. Some people hate the heat, I LOVE it. Like really, really love it. I have to wear sweatshirts in A/C. I once had a good friend tell me that bacon always looks/smells better in the frying pan than it does in the refrigerator. Needless to say, I am frying my bacon (insert getting a tan). Looks better, yes, smells better, well, refer to #1 of the list.

7) Is there any worse feeling in the world than feeling unwelcome somewhere? I had someone make me feel that way last week and I hated it. It made me a little sad, then it made me a little mad. I would like all of you to pinky swear that if I EVER make you feel that way please not only tell me, but feel free to give my behind a swift kick!!

8) Speaking of my behind, I feel like it might be a couple inches higher off the ground these days. Did I get taller? Are you wondering if I started wearing wedge heels everywhere I go?? No to all of the above. I think that the working out is paying off a little and my saggy/flabby arse is maybe a little less saggy and a little less flabby.

10) This post would not be complete without a mention of Slack. I got a new puppy. He was supposed to be a birthday present for my mom, but he has clearly chosen me as his person. He loves her too, but he loves me more. You know, because a puppy's love is most definitely a competition. He is little, and ferocious, and cuddly, and spotted, and smart, and has just enough German in him to be obstinate. I am putting extra effort in to make sure that Wiener and Camo still feel special. They are a little bowed up that Slack gets to go to work with me, but how else will I get him potty trained?? Plus, they are wiener dogs, no matter what I do they are gonna be bowed up about it.

11) Thanks for staying tuned-in! I know the personal posts are fewer and farther in between these days, but I promise, when I have something to say you guys will hear it. Keep drinking your water, keep moving your feet, and enjoy the heck out of this summer heat. (I know I just rhymed a little right there, don't hold it against me).