It's Been Awhile

{enter guitar intro from Staind) It's been awhile since I could hold my head up high...

Hey Final Fifty gang! Long time no talkie (or more appropriately, write/read). Life has been busy. Life has been crazy. Life has been A-MAZING. Life has been very adulty. Life has been.... Well, life. Let's do a quick catch up and then we will get to the meat and potatoes (my God, everything is food related, isn't it?) of why I'm touching base again.

Last year can be summed up in two words... Love and Running. I ran a lot of races. I covered a lot of ground. I saw some beautiful country. I won a few. It was pretty cool, until it wasn't (more on that in a minute). In other news, not to bury the lead, I fell in L. O. V. E. love. Brace yourselves for a few lovey dovey cliches... This man is NOT perfect, but he IS perfect for me. He falls in the same category of "I love Jesus, but I cuss a little" as I do. We both drink whiskey ditches. He is as addicted to popcorn as much as I am. He is honorable, strong in mind and body, thinks I'm beautiful especially when I don't, is calm when I'm crazy, impulsive when I'm feeling adventurous, and brings me peace of mind and soothes my soul while simultaneously making me weak in the knees. He has three amazing kids that I am also falling in love with. We have bought a house together and things are GREAT. Don't get me wrong there is plenty of adulty suckiness that all grown-up relationships have to endure, but we seem to endure it pretty well together. Exibit A, he lives 10 hours away in Montana.

Why am I resurfacing? So, here is the thing. I am super great at being here when I need a therapeutic release. When things are really clicking and I'm feeling great, I kinda bail on you guys. Sorry about that. But, that is life, right? Here's the other thing... I have a person in my life that I has the same qualities that you guys have. He is understanding and listens, and doesn't judge. He is my person. I have a few other people that are my person's too, but sometimes it is hard to want to burden them with my trivial prater. They have real life adult issues too. At least here you guys don't have to read if you don't want to and I can fling this out in the universe and feel like I have unloaded. But now there is this human that I want to have know the nitty-gritty about me and while he isn't legally bound to listen yet, on a spiritual level, he is obligated. But, and there is always a but, there is one thing that I hold back on. This is shallow. This is something that no one should feel about themselves. That makes it no less real, and I'm certain that it is true for others as well.

I struggled with whether I should explain this chronologically or cut to the chase and rewind. The same issue screen writers have when cranking out romantic sitcoms or the next big screen drama (flashback or real time). Let's do real time. I am chuck full of self-loathing and fear right now. Rewind... I injured my foot during a trail race last October and continued to run on a stress fracture through a half-marathon in November which resulted in me being able to barely walk afterwards (hence when running became not fun). During and since I have had a HUGE flair up in plantar fasciitis that has taken me from running 50 miles a week to barely being able to squeak out 3.5 miles every other day, to no miles the past 3 weeks. My mind and body are suffering. I have put 25 lbs back on and feel (and look) like a cow. Moooooooooooo. I have $1,200 orthodics that haven't done a damn thing for me. I have rollers and pain creams, and... and... and. My eating has been ok. A little sugar has entered back in my life and my portions are a little too big. I'm still lifting and going to cross fit. I love both those things, but I have regressed a little there too. Between the time spent burning up the highway to MT, the injury, and the big fat pile of excuses I am accumulating, I am not getting it done like I was. Right down to I tried to go join a new gym yesterday (my adorable trainer gal JUST had her baby) but when I went they were closed during hours they had posted as open. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. The self-loathing is on a whole new level now too. Here's what I am ashamed to be ashamed about... My guy, he looks like Thor minus the hammer add a cowboy hat. He has never had a fat day in his life. He is tall and drop dead gorgeous. Food isn't an issue for him. I question whether or not he is human on a regular basis. I didn't mention this before because it is just a part of him, the outside part, not the important parts that I fell for. But, and there is always a but, I don't think I am pretty enough for him. And that is all on me. He would NEVER let me think anything like this. As an eternal fat kid I have full ability to hate myself in the face of someone else's unconditional acceptance of me. This extra weight I have thrown on makes me think what is this Adonis doing with the short fat chick??? Do people think that when they see us walking along hand in hand? I am in the worst shape I have been in two years and I am so afraid of backsliding more that I am torturing myself. And then rewarding myself. And then torturing myself. It's an awesome cycle. NOT. So, I need to off load this somewhere. I ABSOLUTELY don't want him to feel like he makes me feel this way, because he doesn't. I do it to myself. I'm independent and handy like that.

Set of fears number 2. I am still plugging away at grad school and accounting classes. The more I get done and the closer I get to the end, the more I fear that it will be for not. Am I going into this student debt (debt being a bad word to me that makes me feel like there is an elephant on my chest), putting in all these hours, sacrificing so much to end up being the same bookkeeper that I am now. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job and who I work for, but I am trying to be a better version of me and I don't feel like I am getting it done right now and I fear I am not gonna get it done in the future. That is a BIG fear.

So, I have been praying. A lot. I have had a better relationship with God in the past year than I have had in a very long time. Much of that can be attributed to cowboy Thor. He reminded me that God is full of grace and worth sharing. We share a devotion and our faith daily. I know I need to trust God and His timing and be SOOOOOOOO thankful for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me. And I am, truly. But, and there is always a but, patience has never been one of my redeeming qualities. And I am certain that my faith and strength for others is enough to inspire the devil take up a residence and keep me from having that same strength for myself. I'm working on it. And I am going to start working on it out here in the open again and quit hiding and pretending it isn't happening. Transparency is always better than secrets. Confessions are always cleansing, maybe not green-juice cleansing clean, but cleansing none-the-less. Strength in numbers. Thank you for listening. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for knowing that I needed to unload and that I am not seeking sympathy. Thank you for being my numbers.