Ugly Honesty

I was going to call this post the "Ugly Truth" but I didn't want to infringe on any movie title copyrights. Besides, we are all about being honest here, right?

So, I try really hard not to dive off into a pity party if I can help it. But let's face, we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. I had a touch of that last weekend. I waited a few days to write this post to make sure that it was really what I wanted to put out there in the universe, and since it is still on my mind, and my heart, here it goes. I promise to continue to lace some humor throughout. I am laughing at myself, you guys should too. This will all tie in to weight loss, just bear with me.

Last weekend I went on a long weekend trip to stay in a cabin in central Oregon... Alone. But I wasn't supposed to be alone. Let me preface this whole thing by saying that I am absolutely sick and tired of being alone (insert:single). Confession... After I turned 35 this summer I broke down and signed up for eharmony. It has been the worst dating experiences of my life. Internet dating takes the human component out of meeting people and allows people to talk (type) to you without actually having to treat you like person. Repeatedly I have communicated with a guy, for several weeks even, and then one day they just never write again. I had one HORRIFIC date weekend where I flew up to meet a guy, basically got stood up at the airport for 7 hours, met him for a ridiculously late dinner, never heard from him the next, or the next day until 3 hours before my scheduled flight home. This weekend was not an eharmony guy. This was a guy that I knew when I lived in Oregon and have seen from time to time over the years. I invited him to the cabin for the weekend and he indicated that he was coming and was excited to come. Fast forward to me sitting in the cabin staring at two unreturned messages, realizing once again, that I had been stood up. Is this what dating in my 30's is all about, humility??? God bless all my friends because they are quick to tell me there is nothing wrong with me and that I am a great person. They also say that I should stay single as long as I can. Here is the thing about that... They are wrong. Being single has some perks, but at the end of the day, you know who I tell about my day? My dogs. Which I am starting to collect like a crazy cat lady. They listen, they love me, but they don't talk back. They don't hold my hand. They don't laugh. They don't tell me I'm right, wrong, or indifferent. Until you are spending the time in your life alone when you should be married and raising a family and watching everyone else in your life do exactly that, don't tell me I should stay alone. Its not always all it's cracked up to be.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't have an all bad weekend. I didn't even have a mostly bad weekend. I refused to. The weather was great. The scenery was beautiful. I got a lot of outside activities done. I even did an 8 mile run on Sunday, a distance PR for me. I couldn't help but think how cliche me running alone is. You know that scene in EVERY romantic drama and comedy where the single chic is running along the beach, or the river, or the whatever. I get why they run, its a solitary activity so it isn't weird for you to be doing it by yourself. I wanted to go watch the Ronda Rousey fight on Saturday night, but I couldn't think of anything worse than sitting in a bar eating dinner alone on my solitary weekend. It takes tough stuff to eat alone in a restaurant when you actually are alone. Tougher stuff than I have. I skipped the fight, got Mexican take out, and did my homework by the fire at the cabin.

My confidence in myself has gone up tenfold since I have begun this particular weight loss journey. I have accomplished a lot in the past year, not just physically, but in other areas of my life as well. I genuinely feel good about myself. But even the sanest, most well-loved, and emotionally strong person will have their boat rocked by rejection. Especially when it comes in the form of silence. There is that not knowing factor. I know to a certain degree that nothing bad happened to this guy. I have Facebook to thank for that. He still posted things all weekend. It was just me that he didn't even think enough of to tell me he wouldn't make it. I had given him outs prior to the weekend and could have even scheduled some photo shoots while I was over there. I put all that on hold because he said he was coming. What is it about me that makes people think that treating me like that is ok? That it won't affect me in the least? The worst part is having people ask about my weekend. What did you do? I tell them. How was the weather? Gorgeous, I say. Who did you go with? No one. And then it happens. The "Oh." This "Oh" is meant to be polite and enthusiastic. It slips from people's mouths before they think of something else to say. The tone of this "Oh" is dripping with pity and a hint of disbelief that I would travel alone, not to meet anyone, but to be alone. That "Oh" speaks volumes.

Weight loss tie-in. I would be lying through my teeth if I didn't tell you that a portion of my weight loss quest is a vain attempt at being more attractive to the opposite sex. People that are healthy and fit are people that have respect for themselves and that makes other people drawn to them in turn. I am not hanging my single hat on the fact that my hind end is getting smaller, but one would think it would help. That is a pretty superficial way to look at looking for a mate, but I feel like I have all the other parts figured out, so that must be it, I must be physically unattractive. I'm honestly not looking for any sympathy here. I gave myself enough of that last weekend. I just want anyone else out there in this same boat to know you aren't completely alone. I get it. I totally get it. But don't let it be something that sets you off your path to living a healthy lifestyle. It is about more than just being physically attractive. It is about being strong in mind and body. STRONG. I'm just about over this hump and over that guy. I'm just about over trying to figure out why. I am moving on. And heading down the road... In sneakers... And compression leggings... And sporting a fanny pack, I mean flipbelt.