Am I for reals?

I got up extra early this morning. I do every Thursday because I have to eat breakfast super early before my long run of the week. Thursdays are long run days and the way I fit them in my schedule is to run at dawn. When I got suited up for my run (see pictures below) I thought, I should take a picture. It's been awhile since I've done a check-in picture over at The Final Fifty. When I looked at the picture the thought actually crossed my mind that I am a poser. I'm not a real runner, why should I have all this running gear. I shrugged it off and went and ran 11 miles and knocked 20 seconds off my pace time up the big nasty hill. So why the heck do I still feel like I'm not a runner? I have two theories...

1) I haven't run a marathon nor do I look like a marathoner. I have some half marathons scheduled. I don't know if a full one is in the cards for me or not. As hard as my last two miles were this morning, I might tell you no. Is running a marathon a defining characteristic of a runner? And what does a marathoner look like? Does a person that can run a 7min mile consistently look a certain way? I think they look like gazelles, graceful and lithe, not muscle bound and square like myself with a lingering gut and thighs that Queen wrote a song about (fat bottomed girls make the world go round). The answer is probably no to both of those questions, but obviously I have some preconceived notions in my head that needs to be beat down with a stick. In the past month I have taken almost a minute off my pace time and I hit new distance PRs all the time. I vary my training and eating to suit my running program. I lift weights to keep myself sound enough to be able to run. I forgo other things (like riding horses) in my life so my feet can hit the pavement. Are those things that a runner does? 

2) On some level I never feel like I belong where I'm at. I'm a black sheep in a lot of aspects of my life. A fun black sheep, but a black sheep none-the-less. When I was obese that was the easy reason to point at. There was an extra 150 pounds hanging off of me that made a physical and psycological barrier between me and the world and me and the things I wanted. That's gone now. Or at least most of it is. So what's my excuse? There has to be some defect in my ability to process that I have worked hard to be the things I am now and I have earned the titles of good student, good person, good friend, runner, beautiful (I'll probably never buy into that one), etc. I hear these things from other people and I want to believe them but in the back of my mind I think they are just being nice. I write it off as being a realist. They reality is, even though the weight is gone, the walls it built are still there. That's the thing, insecurity doesn't go away just because you say it does. 

Now what? I'm aware of it. So how I am gonna deal with it. Gracefully, I hope. Try to start an inner monologue that combats those insecurities. Try and be aware of my worth and the worth of the work I've done. Tells others they have great worth. You are who you are. If you are wearing out one pair of running shoes a month, by God, you are a runner. If you are reading this, you are beautiful. I am for real.... So are you. 

Here's me in all my reality. My crazy hair. My monster thighs. My lingering belly. My calves that barely fit wide calf boots. This body isn't perfect, but it is strong, it is real, and it carries me through life. Here's to taking care of it inside and out!