Redemption

re-demp-tion: the act, process, or an instance of redeeming
re-deem-ing: serving to offset or compensate for a defect

I feel like I am on a road to redemption. I am in a process of redeeming myself from the damage that I did. I made a rather large defect that needs to be offset, I have a lot of compensating I've done and still need to do. I am trying to get myself back to me. I think I am currently in the act, going through the process, and having a succession of instances that are striving towards me being a better me. I literally let myself go. Such a horrible sounding thing, but that is exactly what happened. I wasn't happy with where I was in life and I decided to eat my way out of it. Did it work you ask?? Of course not. Did it compound matters? Absolutely. And you have to understand what an insult to myself this is/was. This is the second time in my life that I have gone through this. I lost 160 lbs in a previous life and managed to gain nearly all of it back before I hit my breaking point this time. To lose that amount of weight and gain it back to spite myself is something to marvel. It's not what I would call an accomplishment, but it is something that needs redeeming. I like to think that I am going to have a shiny new wrapper on myself that glows with self-confidence and beams with optimism once I reach the end of redemption road. No, I am not glowing yet, but I am a heck of a lot closer than I was. I would like to think that some things in life will be easier without all this weight. And, as it turns out, some things are already getting easier. But, it doesn't automatically solve all problems. As it turns out you have to approach each problem on it's own. But that realization didn't happen for me until I got a good ways down this road... The second time. My road is paved with workouts, an active lifestyle, and good, solid nutrition. I take one step at a time down my road. I work my way through my workouts, I take one step at a time when I climb my mountains, I worry one meal at a time about my nutrition. The road to redemption is constant, but becoming more automatic, which is nice. Maybe someday I won't have to over think it at all, someday, once redeemed, maybe it will just be my normal. I do know that I don't want to do this a third time. I do however, always feel like I am always one bad decision, one naughty meal away from being the 300+ lb me again. A fear I would like to rid myself of. But when you repeat an insult this bad, it's hard not to harbor some doubts about yourself. I don't want to continually have to save myself from me. Once I have reached the end of this road again, I would like for it to be my last time. This redemption road probably qualifies as a road less travelled, but I seem to be trucking down it a lot. You guys will be the first to know when I have achieved my redemption (and hopefully my goals in the process).

P.S. In other news... We have reached over 2,000 page views... Thanks for reading!!!

Insanity Week 2- For reals yo

I rocked my workouts this week, as in I did them all to the very best of my abilities. I didn't skip, postpone, or put off any to make up later. I put in my time with Shaun T, and you know what, I kinda liked it. I can't believe how much more I enjoyed my workouts not being sick. I had no idea I had myself that wore down. I actually pushed myself this week and it felt good. My last workout of the week I even talked my bestie I was visiting into doing it with me. She has been doing another challenging beach body workout and I felt better about myself because she broke a sweat too. It was fun working out with her, we laughed when had uncoordinated moments and even chuckled at Shaun T's slightly dorky personality that shines through when talks about himself in the third person or says things like "that was bananas, yo!". I rewarded my efforts this week with a long hike Sunday morning. It was great to get some sunshine on my skin and some fresh air in my lungs. So, all in all I would call Week 2 a great success!

Insanity Week 2 Stats:

Weight: 186.4 (up 0.6 lbs... Don't ask me why, but I'm not too concerned, I'm the fluctuating queen, but see my frustration!!!)
Measurements: Not until the end.
Motivation: High as a kite, I am feeling really good about this workout, it's ability to challenge me, and where I'm heading with it.
Strength: I feel good, really good. I didn't get nearly a sore as I thought I would (thank goodness), but definitely felt my workouts. I'm ready for Week 3 and what it has in store for me!

A bit 'o randomness...

1) I miss lifting weights. Insanity only uses your body weight for resistance. I didn't realize how much I liked lifting something. Don't get me wrong, I am getting a good workout in, sweat, blood, tears and all. I just miss lifting.

2) I am super excited to go see some of my best friends this weekend. When we lived in the same town we would always have Sunday (sometimes Saturday) dinner. We used it as an excuse to get caught up in case we didn't see much of each other that week and of course to eat super tasty food. So, now its more like once a month that we accomplish this task. I'm gonna get to drink a little whiskey and enjoy some relaxing time on their amazing property, and eat a great meal. It's good stuff.

3) I have not eaten any popcorn this week. Someday I should see a psychiatrists about the popcorn thing. What does that mean? Am I mentally good this week? Did I just burn myself out on popcorn last week? Am I hording the last of my supply because I forgot to buy more at the grocery store? Inquiring minds want to know.

4) The sun has shone for 3 days now. God bless it. It is a total game changer for me. I feel like I could conquer the world when the sun shines. I want to go ride instead of feeling obligated to, I want to go hike, and hike, and hike, I want to start doing yard work... Sorta.

5) I am getting close to fitting into "real pants" 11's. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me. I can get them on just fine, I just feel they aren't fit for public yet, but close. I should really be focused on getting down to jeans that aren't double digits. But for some reason these 11's have me in a dither.

6) I took a leap of faith yesterday and bought a lens with my tax return that I need to start taking pictures at horse shows and start trying to make a little money at the photography thing. It was a rather large purchase for my meager budget. It made me nervous to spend that much and nervous because I am going to start charging for something that I have just been doing for fun. Nervous. So, to get over my nerves I bought myself a few new pretty shirts last night. I've decided that its not crazy that I spent more money to get over spending money, at least I didn't eat my feelings... Better, right?

7) I have been good this week. Towing the line, beating back the girl that wants to eat a bag of Reese's Eggs with a large stick, counting my calories, eating good stuff, doing my workouts (I even did one at 5 this am 'cause I'll be driving tonight), drinking my water, etc. I feel like I can give myself a pat on the back. I don't imagine I will fall too far off the wagon this weekend, maybe just spend a little time jogging beside it. So, here is a collective pat on the back for myself. I earned it this week regardless of what the scale tells me on Monday. GO ME!!!

8) I have three wiener dogs... How's that for random??

I wonder why...

I wonder why I eat so fast? I see other people eat. They go at it at a leisurely pace. Take in every bite one... at... a... time. They savor. They don't worry through their meal. They don't wonder if they are being judged for eating. They don't act like someone is about cut them off from their food. Me, I eat like every meal is my last. Sometimes if I'm by myself (often) I don't even bother to use a plate. I just eat outta the pan over the stove. I eat like someone that has been deprived of food. One look at me and that is clearly not the case. I eat like I'm late for something. And, honestly, a lot of times I am. But that still is no reason to rush eating. It keeps me from thinking, "gosh, I'm full", because I'm focused on getting as much down in as little of time as possible. I'm in a perpetual pie eating contest minus the pie. I eat like I am doing something shameful and I need to hurry and get it done. Everyone needs to eat, where is the shame in that? I have changed my eating habits in a lot of ways and am more conscious of what I put in my body. I just haven't changed the mechanism of how I get my food down me. I shouldn't feel shame anymore. But its there lurking around the corner. I love good food, food bursting with flavor. I feel like I am doing it an injustice by inhaling it when I eat. I wonder if the speed eating is linked to the fact that a portion of my diet is liquid. Maybe whole, real food is a treat. But wouldn't a normal person want to enjoy a treat. I think it's tied to the fact that I still need to make the "food is fuel" conversion. But enjoying cooking and making great meals aren't totally conducive to that mentality. Maybe this will fall somewhere under my 80/20 theory of being perfect 80% of the time and perfectly human 20% of the time. Who knows?? So, part of my weight loss project is to slooooow down a few notches and enjoy eating, recognize fullness, and do justice by my taste buds.

Shock and awe, shock and awe.

I went on a little road trip this past weekend. As you read from yesterday, I took the week off from working out which can lead to one feeling a little like a pile of mushy flab wrapped inside a popped can of biscuits... not an attractive feeling. But, I was feeling better, so I just had to deal with the mush/biscuit scenario. I was at a ranch rodeo and horse sale, a big ta-do for that area. While I was there I flirted with a guy. I, Funny Fat Chic, flirted... With a real live, breathing, guy. You have to understand that I don't do that all that often. And for a guy to make the effort to come over and flirt with me is basically non-existent, or at least it has been for quite some time and 120lbs ago. Needless to say, I was in some uncharted territory. I have never been the girl that can play coy, or has those magical mind game powers over men. I generally come off as being "one of the guys", and that's fine, I'm not a girly girl, but I do clean up nice and its not so bad that I get mistaken for being lesbian or anything (no offense if you are), or an actual guy. Anyways, this guy did make the effort, he came over and introduced himself, we had a great interaction and then it was over. It was fun, and an ego boost when I needed one. He doesn't know that and he doesn't need to. But my observation from the exchange is that someone finding you attractive is quite the high. I'm sure pretty people become immune to it like any given drug, you have to have higher quantities to keep getting that feeling. But for me, someone that doesn't have that happen on a daily basis, it was quite nice. I learned that flirting was fun, doesn't have to lead to anything, and can put an extra spring in your step.

Insanity Week 2: The do-over

So, I made a command decision last week. It was after I had almost every person that sees me on a daily basis tell me I looked awful, and after I finally admitted that I felt awful, and after I realized I was trying to do too many things and not doing any of them well. I took the week off from working out. Smart people will tell you that you shouldn't work out when you are sick. I'm sure there is a good reasons. Three things happened...
1) I went to bed no later than 9 each night until I went on my trip this weekend. I got sleep, like actual, real live sleep. I no longer feel like a zombie.
2) I felt horribly guilty. I have a sense of responsibility to not just myself, but to all the people that have been cheering me on along the way, and to you guys, my readers. I felt like I was letting all of us down. But, I still feel it was the right thing to do. I knew that a weight gain was probably in the cards for this week (it takes nothing for me to gain) and when I have an actual number to back up my astounding ability to beat myself up, its not good. But I was making no headway working out while I was so ill and I was going to start hating it if I kept going the way I was. I don't want to hate it.
3) I got better. I am still ever so slightly snotty, but I am not sick anymore. I enjoyed my weekend, I feel like I am rested and ready for the upcoming week. I am caught up on stuff, I am a little less stressed, I feel good.

Moral of the story... Maybe once in awhile it's ok to stop and take a break and not worry every second about how much we are eating, how much we are working out, how to balance calories in and calories out. Sometimes, we might need a physical and mental break to keep from losing our grip on the end result. So, my week 2 is a do-over. I'm sorry to everyone for not following through last week, but I do think it was the right thing to do.

Insanity Week 2 Stats:
Weight: 185.8 lbs. (up 1.8 lbs)
Measurements: Not until the end
Motivation: Back on track and ready to kick this thing in the tail
Strength: Leaps and bounds over last Monday, but cringing at the thought of how sore I am gonna be this week. Here goes nothin...!!!

P.S. I ate at The Griddle and it was fabulous. That is all.

The Griddle

I'm about to encompass everything that is still wrong with my attitude towards food. I will probably never be able to view food as just fuel. I can part of the time, the routine times, the day to day times, I can believe it's fuel and view it strictly for its nutritional value. Short of an emotional blow-up I can do that. At least until the weekend. I am a social creature and many events/outings revolve around food. I also like to cook for people. I've been told I'm kinda good at it. It's and inherited trait. I like food that taste good. Excuse me, I love food that tastes good. So, weekends I have my love affair with food and pass it off as socializing... So sue me. This particular coming weekend I am going to a hole in the wall town in Nevada. The special thing about this town is not the event that it hosts, although it is rip snortin good time. It's not the history that goes along with town and the area. No, the important thing about this town is that it houses the BEST breakfast place I have ever eaten at. Like I can't even think about The Griddle without slobbering a little. They only do breakfast, so by golly they do it right.  They have this machine that they dump a box of oranges into the top and it spits out the most heavenly orange juice that has ever crossed my lips. Their omelets I'm sure are made with no less than a half-dozen eggs a piece. The corn beef hash could possibly be my future husband, I love it that much. Their toast even tastes better for some unknown reason. It's like a phenomenon of some kind, the place is an enigma. So, I'm gonna go have breakfast at The Griddle, probably twice. I'm gonna love every minute of it. I'm gonna try not to feel bad about it afterwards, it's a special treat, and everyone deserves a treat now and again.