Fat Miranda Lambert

Today is my day off on the workout schedule. So, if you were looking for a post about me whining over my jiggling midsection, or my jiggling rear end, or my jiggling ear lobes, or my jiggling EVERYTHING, come back tomorrow.

I am on winter break from school. Yeah me! This means I am finding something for myself to do. I have a hard time sitting still. You would think that would lend itself to a high metabolism and a rockin bod, WRONG. Any-who, I am redoing my bedroom. Like a total overhaul. I need some instant gratification in my life. Obviously the workout gig is a long-term investment to see results kind of thing. When in doubt, paint something. I am painting, installing new flooring, painting the dresser, and hanging stuff on the walls. My bedroom is only 85 square feet. I only mention this because I don't want you to think I am one of those freaks on PBS that can redo an entire house in one afternoon.

As with any good undertaking, the first step is getting organized. The pile of clothes at the foot of my bed that I have been working out of for the past 6-8 months does not scream "organized". The reason they are piled up is that my closet is full of cute clothes. Scratch that, cute, skinny, clothes. I have clothes that range from size 5 to size 20. This means that I have ranged from size 5 to size 20. Take a second to think about that. I have dropped and ballooned to those sizes 3 times in my life. And, lucky me, I have the next two weeks to reflect on that. Pffffft (fart noise, thumbs down). So, the past few days have been spent organizing clothes. Getting rid of stuff that I will NEVER wear again. Packing away stuff that doesn't fit. Hanging up stuff that does. Now, if I am being realistic, do I really think that I am ever going to be a size 5 again. Nope. Sure don't. Did I toss any of those size 5 clothes. Nope. Sure didn't. How's that for an altered sense of reality??? I have a lot of clothes. More than I realized. A lot more. There are some select people that are benefitting from this. Many of them shop at Goodwill. If I think something is really cute, I place it in a good home that has a healthy sense of fashion.

This all sounds like I am some kind of fashionista. If you met me personally you would know that I am about the most low maintenance person on the planet. I cut my own hair for crying out loud. I have however been told once or twice that I do have a nice sense of style. I translate this to mean, "Hey, good job camouflaging your fat!!" I had this idea earlier this summer... I would like to open a boutique called Fat Miranda Lambert. I like her style, for the most part. It is a little hippy, meets a little country, with a touch of glamour thrown in for good measure. Plus she has tattoos, I dig that. With her recent weight loss triumphs she would probably fit the end of my closet that I just packed up, the elusive size 5's. I would love to offer clothing that gives plus size gals the same options as the not-so-plus-size gals (kudos to me for not saying skinny bitches (earmuffs)). I would like to have cowboy boots that I can wear with leggings that have some wiggle room around my fat calves. I would like to have tank tops that don't have arm pits open half way down my side. You know, so I can actually just wear a tank top and a bra in the summer. Not two tank tops and a bra. Speaking of bras, I would like one that accommodates the fact that I am big ribbed and small boobed. Right now all I can wear is sports bras (insert SEXY) because they don't really make a 40A. I would like to have a jacket that fits around my waist but isn't so tight in the shoulders that I can't shake my finger at someone when I need to emphasize something. I would like shapewear (aka Spanx) that takes less than 20 minutes to wrestle myself into. Is this too much to ask??? I would like to think that Miranda Lambert would be ok with the name of my store, being a former fat chick with a great sense of humor and the ablility to laugh at herself. We should all aspire to be as healthy looking, and actually healthy, as she is now. But until then, can't we at least be comfortable???  I'll let you know how the lawsuit shakes out.