Ugly Honesty

I was going to call this post the "Ugly Truth" but I didn't want to infringe on any movie title copyrights. Besides, we are all about being honest here, right?

So, I try really hard not to dive off into a pity party if I can help it. But let's face, we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. I had a touch of that last weekend. I waited a few days to write this post to make sure that it was really what I wanted to put out there in the universe, and since it is still on my mind, and my heart, here it goes. I promise to continue to lace some humor throughout. I am laughing at myself, you guys should too. This will all tie in to weight loss, just bear with me.

Last weekend I went on a long weekend trip to stay in a cabin in central Oregon... Alone. But I wasn't supposed to be alone. Let me preface this whole thing by saying that I am absolutely sick and tired of being alone (insert:single). Confession... After I turned 35 this summer I broke down and signed up for eharmony. It has been the worst dating experiences of my life. Internet dating takes the human component out of meeting people and allows people to talk (type) to you without actually having to treat you like person. Repeatedly I have communicated with a guy, for several weeks even, and then one day they just never write again. I had one HORRIFIC date weekend where I flew up to meet a guy, basically got stood up at the airport for 7 hours, met him for a ridiculously late dinner, never heard from him the next, or the next day until 3 hours before my scheduled flight home. This weekend was not an eharmony guy. This was a guy that I knew when I lived in Oregon and have seen from time to time over the years. I invited him to the cabin for the weekend and he indicated that he was coming and was excited to come. Fast forward to me sitting in the cabin staring at two unreturned messages, realizing once again, that I had been stood up. Is this what dating in my 30's is all about, humility??? God bless all my friends because they are quick to tell me there is nothing wrong with me and that I am a great person. They also say that I should stay single as long as I can. Here is the thing about that... They are wrong. Being single has some perks, but at the end of the day, you know who I tell about my day? My dogs. Which I am starting to collect like a crazy cat lady. They listen, they love me, but they don't talk back. They don't hold my hand. They don't laugh. They don't tell me I'm right, wrong, or indifferent. Until you are spending the time in your life alone when you should be married and raising a family and watching everyone else in your life do exactly that, don't tell me I should stay alone. Its not always all it's cracked up to be.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't have an all bad weekend. I didn't even have a mostly bad weekend. I refused to. The weather was great. The scenery was beautiful. I got a lot of outside activities done. I even did an 8 mile run on Sunday, a distance PR for me. I couldn't help but think how cliche me running alone is. You know that scene in EVERY romantic drama and comedy where the single chic is running along the beach, or the river, or the whatever. I get why they run, its a solitary activity so it isn't weird for you to be doing it by yourself. I wanted to go watch the Ronda Rousey fight on Saturday night, but I couldn't think of anything worse than sitting in a bar eating dinner alone on my solitary weekend. It takes tough stuff to eat alone in a restaurant when you actually are alone. Tougher stuff than I have. I skipped the fight, got Mexican take out, and did my homework by the fire at the cabin.

My confidence in myself has gone up tenfold since I have begun this particular weight loss journey. I have accomplished a lot in the past year, not just physically, but in other areas of my life as well. I genuinely feel good about myself. But even the sanest, most well-loved, and emotionally strong person will have their boat rocked by rejection. Especially when it comes in the form of silence. There is that not knowing factor. I know to a certain degree that nothing bad happened to this guy. I have Facebook to thank for that. He still posted things all weekend. It was just me that he didn't even think enough of to tell me he wouldn't make it. I had given him outs prior to the weekend and could have even scheduled some photo shoots while I was over there. I put all that on hold because he said he was coming. What is it about me that makes people think that treating me like that is ok? That it won't affect me in the least? The worst part is having people ask about my weekend. What did you do? I tell them. How was the weather? Gorgeous, I say. Who did you go with? No one. And then it happens. The "Oh." This "Oh" is meant to be polite and enthusiastic. It slips from people's mouths before they think of something else to say. The tone of this "Oh" is dripping with pity and a hint of disbelief that I would travel alone, not to meet anyone, but to be alone. That "Oh" speaks volumes.

Weight loss tie-in. I would be lying through my teeth if I didn't tell you that a portion of my weight loss quest is a vain attempt at being more attractive to the opposite sex. People that are healthy and fit are people that have respect for themselves and that makes other people drawn to them in turn. I am not hanging my single hat on the fact that my hind end is getting smaller, but one would think it would help. That is a pretty superficial way to look at looking for a mate, but I feel like I have all the other parts figured out, so that must be it, I must be physically unattractive. I'm honestly not looking for any sympathy here. I gave myself enough of that last weekend. I just want anyone else out there in this same boat to know you aren't completely alone. I get it. I totally get it. But don't let it be something that sets you off your path to living a healthy lifestyle. It is about more than just being physically attractive. It is about being strong in mind and body. STRONG. I'm just about over this hump and over that guy. I'm just about over trying to figure out why. I am moving on. And heading down the road... In sneakers... And compression leggings... And sporting a fanny pack, I mean flipbelt.

The highs and lows of weight loss.

I am starting to think that this will never end. I have been fighting the weight demon for 35 years now. That is quite a career. It is a roller coaster of a ride that goes from emotional high to emotional low without much contentment in between.

Why so melancholy Funny Fat Chic?

A couple things have happened in the last week. I can do a happy dance because instead of my sizes having multiple Xs in front of them, some, if not all are just a good 'ole plain L. That is kinda cool. I have some cute clothes that I bought the last time I lost weight but I ballooned back up before I fit into them that I can now wear. VICTORY! A short-lived one though.

I have a vacation planned in December. It is a bucket list trip and I could not be more excited about it. Where I'm going, the people I'm going with, it could not be planned more perfectly. I tried on jeans this week. Jeans that I just knew I could get into before this trip. Here I am 30 days out and they absolutely DO NOT fit. No ifs ands or buts about it. <Insert sigh of defeat> Why on God's green earth after all this time, all this work, and all that I have accomplished do I still let myself be defined by the size of my pants?????? But I do. I took the pile of jeans out of the storage tub that they were in and put them in my room on a bench at the foot of my bed so that they would be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. A big 'ole pile of shame. I'm sure that will be effective (she says dripping with sarcasm). It is like I feel the need to punish myself for not getting there in time.

Here is the take away from this. We (or at least I) do not have full control of my body. Even though I have set a goal, maybe an unrealistic one, that doesn't mean that my body has the same plan. I'm not as young as I used to be so weight loss is a little slower process. I refuse to take any weight loss supplements because I know that their effects are not lasting or healthy. I also refuse to starve myself this time. I am eating an appropriate amount of calories in the form of clean, whole foods that nourish me and support my current activities. So, I am going to run 7.5 miles today. I am going to lift weights. I am going to stay consistent and strong through the holidays. I am not going to let that pile of jeans depress me into eating badly and giving up. I like the feeling of accomplishment I am getting by reaching fitness goals, even if my pants size isn't willing to be a reward for me. Highs to lows, contentment must be in there somewhere.