1) I haven't run a marathon nor do I look like a marathoner. I have some half marathons scheduled. I don't know if a full one is in the cards for me or not. As hard as my last two miles were this morning, I might tell you no. Is running a marathon a defining characteristic of a runner? And what does a marathoner look like? Does a person that can run a 7min mile consistently look a certain way? I think they look like gazelles, graceful and lithe, not muscle bound and square like myself with a lingering gut and thighs that Queen wrote a song about (fat bottomed girls make the world go round). The answer is probably no to both of those questions, but obviously I have some preconceived notions in my head that needs to be beat down with a stick. In the past month I have taken almost a minute off my pace time and I hit new distance PRs all the time. I vary my training and eating to suit my running program. I lift weights to keep myself sound enough to be able to run. I forgo other things (like riding horses) in my life so my feet can hit the pavement. Are those things that a runner does?
2) On some level I never feel like I belong where I'm at. I'm a black sheep in a lot of aspects of my life. A fun black sheep, but a black sheep none-the-less. When I was obese that was the easy reason to point at. There was an extra 150 pounds hanging off of me that made a physical and psycological barrier between me and the world and me and the things I wanted. That's gone now. Or at least most of it is. So what's my excuse? There has to be some defect in my ability to process that I have worked hard to be the things I am now and I have earned the titles of good student, good person, good friend, runner, beautiful (I'll probably never buy into that one), etc. I hear these things from other people and I want to believe them but in the back of my mind I think they are just being nice. I write it off as being a realist. They reality is, even though the weight is gone, the walls it built are still there. That's the thing, insecurity doesn't go away just because you say it does.
Now what? I'm aware of it. So how I am gonna deal with it. Gracefully, I hope. Try to start an inner monologue that combats those insecurities. Try and be aware of my worth and the worth of the work I've done. Tells others they have great worth. You are who you are. If you are wearing out one pair of running shoes a month, by God, you are a runner. If you are reading this, you are beautiful. I am for real.... So are you.
Here's me in all my reality. My crazy hair. My monster thighs. My lingering belly. My calves that barely fit wide calf boots. This body isn't perfect, but it is strong, it is real, and it carries me through life. Here's to taking care of it inside and out!
